Written by Anthony J Nowak
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Topics: God, Wrestling, Allah

Tuesday, 11 September 2007

image for God to Allah: Let's Settle This in the Steel Cage
Bring it on!

In an unprecedented event, for the first time in the history of mankind, God and Allah have agreed to settle their time-long differences once and for all -- in a winner-take-all, no-holds-barred, Steel Cage Match.

"Let's just do this," The Almighty said in a press conference ripe with all the media hyperbole one would expect from an event of this magnitude. "There can be only One!" the Lord exclaimed, to a shower of both cheers and applause from Christians in a standing room only press conference, rivaled only by an equally deafening outpouring of boos and hisses from Muslims.

The press conference was held at the one place recognized by all religions as holy, outside the Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem. Security was air tight, with both camps providing a phalanx of personal security the likes of which would make Sean "Puffy" Combs green with envy.

"Hashem is about to find out why Islam is the only religion that carries a sword," Allah proclaimed. He used the commonly recognized Jewish name for God, presumably due to their location in Israel. "Well it's not out of respect, that's for sure," the Muslim God stated, which prompted an angry Christian God to lunge at him across the table at the news conference. A scuffle immediately broke out with both security teams almost going to blows. The melee was finally broken up and the two were separated. Tensions were intensely high throughout the meeting.

As if the announcement wasn't literally earth shaking enough, the only thing the two camps could manage to agree on after all night negotiations was the referee for the match -- the Prince of Darkness himself, Lucifer. In an extremely unusual statement issued from Hell, Satan stated, "I am ironically the only unbiased, unintimidated, and non-influential entity to decide the bout. I don't care which one of 'em wins - or loses!"

The date for the history-altering battle has been decided as December 26th, 2009. This date is right in between two very religious holidays - December 25th (Christmas) for Christianity and December 27th (Ashura) in that year for Islam.

The location of the venue remained in dispute. While both high powers agreed that the venue should be held in a place free of any and all moral and religious influence to prevent any "home-field advantage", Las Vegas was booked solid for the whole week of the planned date.

And Vegas itself was in an uproar, with odds-makers in an mind boggling flurry of activity, with the usual statistics and computer models rendered virtually useless in calculating who holds an advantage if any. According to Richard B. Dressler, race and sports book manager for the Imperial Palace in Las Vegas, "There is no accurate or accepted methodology in place to determine a favorite." Many insiders were speculating it may indeed be an extremely rare 50/50 match-up. Even the coin toss at the Superbowl has slightly different than 50/50 odds, based on the weight of the coin being ever-so-slightly in favor of it landing on heads. "This may be one of the most exactly even matches in Vegas history."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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