Written by Thom Gallagher
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Topics: England, French

Friday, 12 March 2004

"OUR MISSILES ARE ALIGNED AGAINST U.S. SOIL" --- French PM
"DON'T F*** WITH ME" --- Bush

At 9:15 AM yesterday, the Bush Administration authorized the launch of 36 nuclear warheads against the countries of Great Britain and Cuba. Within thirty minutes, their major cities were decimated. George Bush told the media that these countries were punished for attempting to help Canada fend off an invasion.

The warheads were fusion-based, and each created a blast approximately 200 times stronger than the bombs used on Hiroshima and Nagasaki in World War II. Experts on nuclear warfare say it is unlikely that there are any survivors in either country. "If there are survivors," said one expert who did not wish to be named, "they will be dead very soon from either radiation or starvation. There will also be worldwide environmental consequences within the next few weeks."

"I like playing with toys," said George Bush. "Nukes are just big toys to me. So if you make me even a little bit angry, I'll use them against you. Don't help Canada fight back."

While there was no hope for Cuba, There was international concern as to why Great Britain didn't retaliate with its own nuclear warheads. Jerzy Szmajdzinski, the Polish secretary of Defense, said he didn't think Great Britain was expecting a nuclear attack and were totally unprepared. "I don't really know what happened, since everybody who lived there is now dead and can't tell us, but I think Great Britian did not have enough time to re-align its ICBM [inter-continental ballistic missile] arsenal against the United States. It was most likely aligned against older targets, such as Russia or China."

France, another nuclear power with international strike capability, was prepared for a nuclear attack in retaliation for Great Britain. French Prime Minister Jean Pierre Raffarin said he was ready to press the button. "Our missiles are aligned against U.S. soil. I give the Bush Administration five hours to halt its invasion and shut down its nuclear arsenal or we will fire."

Bush was still defiant, and experts point to this as a sign he is insane. "You idiots just don't get, do you," said Bush. "Don't f*** with me. You just made me kill millions of innocent people. I didn't invade Canada with the intention of killing innocent people. You idiots pushed me to this. No pun intended. I'm more powerful than anybody in the world can ever imagine in their piddly[sic] little heads. Don't ever f*** with me again. F*** you."

The United Nations asked other nuclear powers if they were willing to retaliate on the behalf of Great Britain and Cuba. China said it would not, and Russia did not respond. India and Pakistan are also nuclear powers, but do not have international launch capability.

Jerzy Szmajdzinski commented on why Russia, the country with the world's single largest nuclear arsenal, has not responded with a nuclear attack. "It is not known why, but there has been a massive communication breakdown with Russia in the hours since the attacks on Great Britian and Cuba. We suspect that their government is collapsing from mass rioting and nay-saying about the end of the world."

Other world leaders have expressed fear that their countries are beginning to panic. "This hits us very close to home," said Belgian defense minister Jean-Pol Poncelet. "The entire country is phoning me about the end of the world. I have a feeling it is not the end, and I tell everybody not to worry. There will be time later to mourn the loss of Cuba and England. Right now we must focus on the war effort."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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