"Not racist" Australian Prime Minister John Howard has unveiled his new plan to turn the Aboriginal spiritual place Uluru (also known as Ayers Rock)into a five storey shopping mall and fitness centre.
"First of all I would like to say that I am not in any way a racist bastard", announced Mr Howard at a hastily arranged meeting in a swanky "whites only" hotel in Sydney, "for thousands of years Uluru has been going to waste and I think it's time to put a stop to this layabout rock".
"Now, being a non-racist, I appreciate the sentimental value of the place so we will of course include a plaque with a picture of a didgeridoo somewhere in the toilets of the proposed development".
Mr Howard - who recently announced plans to restrict sale of alcohol, pornography and to strictly control the payments of social aid in Aboriginal areas - has always insisted that he is "in no bloody way a racist".
The mall development, provisionally titled "The Whites Only Center" will house boutiques and department stores catering to rich German Nazi tourists.
"As the non-racist head of a non-racist country", continued Prime Minister Howard, "we need to embrace other cultures and we will achieve this by bringing together diverse cultures through dialog and harmony".
Mr Howard believes he can achieve this goal by imprisoning emigrants on prison ships docked miles off the coastline and forcing them to play bingo for months on end.