Written by Thom Gallagher
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Topics: Canada, civilians

Friday, 12 March 2004

image for American Forces Invade Canada; Take Lethbridge, Medicine Hat
The City of Lethbridge was taken with minimal resistance.


OTTAWA, ONTARIO, CANADA --- Since the start the American invasion of Canada six hours ago, American forces have occupied the Albertan cities of Lethbridge and Medicine Hat. Calgary, Alberta's largest city is next on the list.

"We push forth united," said Bush in a public television broadcast in both the United States and Canada. "Our forces have taken strategic Canadian military bases and we are prepared to go all the way. Alberta is a big province, and it will be a long haul to the top, but we will get there. In doing so, we release a battered, broken, socialist nation from its self-absorbed, self-built prison and allow it to integrate with us. We will free them. This is Operation Canadian Freedom. United with the former Canada, which I will rename the ‘North States,' we will be stronger."

Donald Rumsfeld reported on the military situation. "The invasion has gone as planned so far. The Canadians have provided next to no resistance, just as we had expected. In fact, the soldiers occupying Lethbridge are reporting that many Canadians there are happy to see them."

Paul Martin's comments in response took on the form of a last stand. "You f***ers! What the f*** do you think you're doing? We've been nothing but allies and trading partners to you! F*** you, Bush! I'll f*** you up! I'll get you in the next life! Mark my words, Bush! I'll f*** you to hell!"

Bush responded right away. "No, no, Paul, you've got it all wrong. You see, Canada will not change much at all. You were already ninety percent Americanized before we invaded. All I really want is a bit of oil, and to make a few changes to your government. You know what I mean. Nothing too serious. You life will continue pretty much the same as it is now. The good news is that your civilians are staying out of the way. I don't think we've killed any yet."

Unconfirmed death tolls in Lethbridge were 12 civilians, 13 Canadian soldiers, and 15 American soldiers. There was no data available for Medicine Hat. So far, there have been no suicide bombings. "We are expecting a few suicide bombers, actually," said Donald Rumsfeld. "Those Canadians are very multicultural, there could be somebody in those cities who believes in suicide bombing. I'm not trying to point fingers at any groups, of course."

Bush reported to American media on the invasion plans. "Hopefully tomorrow we will have taken Calgary and Red Deer. From there we will go straight north on Highway 2 and take Edmonton. If we can get all three cities in one day, that would be great. It will really lower the Canadian military's morale. From there we will go straight to the oil sands in Fort McMurray. Oh… and I would like to take Banff and Jasper right away. I'm dying to go skiing there."

Paul Martin proceeded to plead with the United Nations, which has so far not taken any action as a result of Bush's nuclear weapon threats. "Please, somebody, please," said Martin. "I'm asking now, anybody, please, all, or any, or at least one of our allies, please contribute something to the war effort here in Canada. We won't survive another week of invasion. All I'm asking for is anything I can get. The more help Canada gets, the closer we come to forcing the United States into submission. That should be our goal, to combine all our militaries and force them into submission."

Bush somehow got hold of Martin's plea, despite his country being suspended from the United Nations. "Don't resist, Paul. You have no hope, even with the help of all your friends. Just give up. You know better than I do how pitiful your country is."

Tony Blair, Great Britian's Prime Minister, was available for comment when the Canadian media asked Canada's allies if they would provide help. "We're mobilizing our forces now," he said. "Canada has been a valued member of the commonwealth for hundreds of years. They are a close-knit ally and friend. We won't let them down, and we won't stand for what the American government is doing in North America."

None other of Canada's allies have come forth yet.

Great Britian's defense secretary Geoff Hoon described Canada's situation as bleak. "We are sending them everything we've got, but at the moment it won't be enough," he said. "We might be able to hold off the Americans for an extra two weeks or so. We need more of Canada's allies to help out, or they won't make it."

Bush responded immediately to Britian's mobilization. "Don't even think about it, Tony. You have no idea what you're getting into. All I need to say is that you have no idea."

The American government's media releases have been stopped for the past three hours.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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