Written by Thom Gallagher
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Topics: Iraq, America

Thursday, 11 March 2004

WASHINGTON D.C. --- During a scheduled phone conversation between George Bush, the president of the United States of America, and Paul Martin, the Prime Minister of Canada, Bush argued with Martin about the American military presence in Iraq. According to the White House senior staff, the two argued about the ‘real' reasons for invasion. The phone conversation ended quickly when Martin asked Bush, "If you wanted oil, why didn't you just invade Canada?"

Before hanging up quickly, an inflamed Bush responded by saying "Oh yeah… good idea."

At a press conference on the American Economy the next day, Bush revealed his invasion plans. He also issued a written statement in summary of the conference, which read as follows:

"We, as a united America, are determined to do whatever it takes to harness energy reserves that will better our economy, and thus, we will have the power to better the world as a whole. The reserves contained in Alberta's oil sands amount to the same as all the barrels of oil contained in Saudi Arabia. We will therefore divert the brunt of our forces to Montana and go directly north to invade the largest oil reserves. I will not go into further detail for fear of revealing more of our invasion plans (not that Canada would be able to stop us even if I did). This will provide us with fast, cheap energy, and it will allow us to… basically do whatever we want. So I give this message to Canada: get your f***ing a** civilians out of the way NOW if you want to avoid a humanitarian crisis."

Martin called Bush back a few minutes after the written statement was released. According to senior lobby groups, he talked with Bush for about three hours straight, but Bush did not back down on his plans.

Bush issued another statement to Martin a few hours later, which was shown to both the United Nations and Canadian and American media. It read:

"You've made me angry for the last time. You were right, Martin. It's time to take over that annoying little northerly neighbor of ours. Not only will we take advantage of your oil reserves, but we will also take over your infrastructure, energy and utility companies, and will no longer have to go through the hassle of trading with you. We will instate a provisional government, and add another 13 states to our own. We'll even give your whole military a little three-bedroom condo to live in. I'm sure they'd like that, it would be nice and roomy for them."

Martin did not have a chance to respond before the United Nations did. They told Bush to back down or risk being called to the international court and be tried for tyranny.

Bush responded to the United Nations right away by saying, "You want me to use what I've got? Huh? Do you? I've got thousands of working nuclear weapons at my fingertips, you know. With just fifty of those, I can kill everybody on Earth. Maybe you should think about that before you get angry at me."

The United Nations has not contacted Bush since. It is expected that they will come up with a well-thought-out rebuttal sometime in the near future. For now, political scientists around the world are trying to decipher Bush's sudden change of mood and diversion from Iraq and Afghanistan to Canada.

"I can't figure it out," said Michael Moore in an interview yesterday. "I think he's gone nuts. Well… he was nuts before, so… I don't know. Usually he's way more discreet about this sort of thing, I'm very surprised. He's gone f***ing nuts, I guess. Could you imagine what it would be like to f*** nuts?"

Paul Martin responded once more after Bush's ‘nuclear weapons' press release. "I can't believe a man with such power would do something like that to Humanity, his own family, his own life, his own world. Why, I ask? How could he be so corrupted by power?"

Bush responded one last time by saying, "No, it is not corruption. It is leadership. This is a democratic nation; led by its people, it achieved everything it has ever achieved through its own hard work. Get your a** out of my way or I'll destroy the whole God Damn world. In your face. Not even the world, with its entire military force combined can stop me. They're all so God Damn disorganized and complaining, saying things like ‘oh my god, I need more foreign aid because there's so much civil war' or ‘oh my god, I need medical help for my people.' Get a grip. Stop having your f***ing civil wars and go fix your own problems while I fix mine."

The countries on the UN security council are currently outraged. Vladimir Putin, the president of Russia, was the only leader available for comment. "If [Bush is] willing to risk a nuclear holocaust, I think we should let him take Canada. If he tries to take Russia or any of our larger allies, we will stand our ground, but I am willing to let him have Canada. He'll only kill a few thousand civilians. Such is war, I suppose. I suggest that Canada surrender immediately."

Negotiations continue.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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