Written by queen mudder
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Topics: Vatican

Monday, 3 September 2007

image for Vatican police officer committs suicide with three bullets to the head
Suicide is prevalent in some ecclesiastical circles

Vatican Shitty - (God's Banker Mess): A Vatican Police Corpse officer was found suicided today at a police barracks bathroom near the Sistine Chapel.

Twenty five year old Alessandro Benedetti had suffered close range gunshot wounds to the throat, forehead and neck in what Vatican spokesman Reverend Federico Lombardi described as a "typical tragic suicide accident".

The suicide weapon, believed to a Colt 45, was missing from the scene of the incident.

Benedetti's is the latest mystery suicide in the Vatican which has a lengthy hystery of inexplicable sudden death syndrome including the 1978 demise of Papa Luciano - aka Pope John Paul the First who conveniently passed away after a 30 day reign and an inexplicable allergic reaction to a massive dose of strychnine in his bdetime Horlicks.

Then in 1982 following the £400 million bankruptcy of the Vatican Bank, "God's Banker" Roberto Calvi suicided himself under Blackfriars Bridge "in a fit of depression" subsequently identified as Murder One by the FBI. No one has ever been found guilty of his death.

In the Vatican itself a 23-year-old Swiss Guard apparently
killed a commanding officer, the commander's wife and then himself in a mystery incident hurriedly closed by the Pontiff's Office as "one of those inexplicable suicide scenarios".

The Vatican's Swiss Guards have ceremonial and security duties. The force of about 110 men, all of them Swiss Catholics are known for their colorful uniforms "and their colorful backgrounds, lifestyles and adherence to the Rule of Omerta" according to Interpol.

The young guard's mother has always denied the Vatican's version of events, saying her son was "taken out by Ratzinger" after stumbling across evidence that Osama Bin Ladin, Vladimir Putin and Gerry Adams are all his sons".

Today's incident has already been officially closed by Vatican police after a request "from above".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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