In a shocking new videotape obtained by Al Jazeera television, Osama Bin Laden announced that he would be endorsing George W. Bush for the 2004 elections, and would be doing all he could to get Bush re-elected. Bin Laden announced his plans to personally donate the legal maximums to both the Bush campaign and the Republican party, and to compel all his worldwide followers to do the same by offering a 125% refund on all funds donated by members of Al Qaeda.
"I considered threatening all non-participating Al Qaeda members with death if they did not contribute, however death is considered a great reward to most of these whack jobs, so I decided to go with the bribery angle instead," Bin Laden said in part of the tape. Bin Laden then continued with his reasoning for supporting Bush, his sworn mortal enemy, in his re-election attempts.
"Though it may seem strange for me to lend support to the infidel camel-humper Bush, I feel that his leadership of the United States will do more harm to the Godless Americans in 4 more years than I could do with 4 lifetimes of Al Qaeda leadership. His economic policies can only lead to a society with a small upper class of weak multi-millionaires who do not know the first thing about fighting or sacrifice, with a vast majority in the angry, virile peasant class who shall eventually take arms and rise up against their wealthy oppressors. If Bush is re-elected, I predict that within 10 years we will see the heads of American infidel millionaires on pikes and a rejection of the evil capitalist hierarchy to which most Americans now bow.
"Furthermore, it is in the best interest of myself and Al Qaeda to keep Bush in office, as he has not been very diligent in finding us. He truly showed his interests lied more with avenging the attempted assassination of his father by Saddam Hussein, and the financial interest of U.S. oil companies than with the lives of 3,000 peasant Americans for whom he could care less. I mean, c'mon people, this Hussein character was living in a hole, he didn't have any weapons of mass destruction and was too broke to acquire them, and too stupid to know what to do with them if he did. Even so camel-feltcher Bush and the infidel American capitalist pigs who run the elitist sham of a government made a friggin' deck of cards out of him and 54 of his associates and have captured or killed most of them. Each of these captures/killings has been paid for with the lives of the American peasants about which he cares nothing at a rate of about 15 infidel Americans killed to every one of Saddam's men captured or killed. And here I am, I killed thousands of his people and nearly 3 years later it's like he's not even trying to find me. Where's the Osama deck of cards I ask you? I put out more videos than Michael Jackson for Chrissakes, and he can't come within 100 miles of me! Personally, I think he's not even trying.
"I suppose he might start really trying to find me come September so he can capture me just in time to get a bump in his ratings right before election day, but I figure we'll be able to pump a few million bucks into his re-election bid, that ought to help grease the wheels so that if some bumbling American soldier accidentally finds me, he might be ordered to just look the other way, if you know what I'm saying. So, that's another good thing for me of course…it's kind of like a bribe, you know, the same kind of bribe that rich infidel American corporations use with Bush all the time to get laws changed and keep out of trouble, keep their taxes almost non-existent, avoid any sort of liability or responsibility to their worker bees, etc. Plus, I figure if Bush gets back in, I'll be able to sell his administration on Afghanistan as the next big hot spot for American companies to outsource all their workers to. Most of the Afghanis are so poor they'd work 120-hour weeks for a bottle of water and a camel dung necklace.
"But I think the biggest reason I'm pulling for Bush this year is because he's made it so easy for me to accomplish my goals. I mean, I never would have gotten away with that World Trade Center attack if the Bush administration didn't throw out everything Clinton knew about me and ignore all the clear warning signs coming from the FBI, the CIA and various world governments. I mean, any single one of my 72 three-year old sons would be smart enough to figure out what I was up to with the evidence they had from Clinton alone and yet he ignored it all because he was more concerned about that Hussein pussy. Of course, this administration couldn't figure out that the Nigerian yellowcake uranium document was forged, even though it had the wrong dude's signature on it and the head of the CIA told them it was a forgery, so no big surprise there. And then when the second plane hit the World Trade Center, Bush just sat there in a room full of kids, he probably just wanted to know how Dick and Jane ended. We could have been aiming another plane at that school, but he just sat there unconcerned for a full five minutes…he didn't care, no one in his family was killed. He knew this was a good thing for him, without that, he wouldn't have been so able to convince everyone that terrorism was such an imminent threat and they needed to go after Saddam right away before it was too late. I mean, I did him a huge favor here…I suspect his failure to capture me after 2 ½ years is his subtle way of paying me back! Anyway, he dropped the ball before, so I figure that if I should decide I want to rain fire and brimstone down on America again, it shouldn't be too hard to catch ol' Dubya with his pants down a second time.
"I came up with this idea, because I was thinking about it, and I've got it all figured out, dude…if it doesn't involve money for Bush or his rich buddies, then Bush ain't gonna do Jack about it. But if Satan himself gave Bush money, I'm sure good old Beelzebub would suddenly become a great friend, and Bush would portray him as a victim of liberal lies about the good ol' Devil. I mean, this guy has drained money out of the public schools he'd never dream of sending any of the kids in his family to, he's drained money from the seniors who aren't wealthy enough to contribute to his campaign, he's cut money from pretty much every social program from the people who would just go out and spend it to survive, he completely eliminated any sort of liability for safety violations, after all what good is a corporation to him if they are broke because of a multi million dollar liability settlement against them. Basically if you have just a little bit of money, doesn't even have to be enough to survive on, he's the kind of guy who will take as much of it as he can from you and the 10s of millions like you, and give it all to his handful of rich buddies, because he knows that his rich buddies will give him money to return the favor.
"So, I'm throwing in my personal endorsement and my full financial support to the Bush/Cheney '04 re-election campaign, and if it looks like Kerry is ahead in the polls come November 1, I figure I'll just send a few suicide bombers his way. I figure this and my secret weapon (Ralph Nader), should ensure a Bush victory and continued success and prosperity for Al Qaeda, if we're lucky, culminating in our ultimate goal, the complete destruction of America."
After watching this stunning videotape, Bush commented that for reasons completely unrelated to this tape, he had already been planning on backing off on his commitment to capture Osama Bin Laden, because recent evidence now suggests that Bin Laden was just taking credit for the WTC attacks, but in reality he was a 'pretty good guy' and had nothing to do with them. "In fact," Bush said, "intense interrogation of Saddam Hussein has revealed that he and he alone was responsible for the attacks and barring any last minute contributions, er, I mean revelations by Hussein, we are going to seek the death penalty against Saddam, to be carried out by me personally in early November."