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Topics: Space

Thursday, 30 August 2007

image for Meteor Shower To Rain Down Flaming Boulders

Mount Palomar, California (IP) - The Carl Sagan Institute reports that the Aurigid meteor shower will occur for an hour and a half in the early morning hours of September 1st along the west coast of the U.S.A. and Hawaii. Large boulder sized meteorites will rain down invoking memories of biblical stories of fire and brimstone falling from the heavens in past times.

Giant metallic and asbestos nets are being erected over major metropolitan areas to serve as a protective umbrella to protect the citizens of those cities from certain doom. The only place not protected will be the sections of Los Angeles where gangs reside.

People are lined up outside of grocery stores and home improvement stores in an attempt to pick up water and food to survive on after the the impending conflagration. Civil defense forces are opening up old bomb shelters from the 1960's and tunnels are being outfitted with portable toilet facilities, cots, water, and meals for the flood of refugees that will take shelter there.

In order to be admitted into the shelters you must have an income of at least $100,000 a year or be a politician or family member of same.

Folks not eligible for admittance into the shelters are busy digging their own back yard shelters. One popular shelter design is a large culvert pipe buried in the back yard under a layer of dirt and gravel. The shelters are filled with gallon jugs of water and canned food. A five gallon bucket lined with a large plastic trash bag is used as an improvised toilet. A small amount of chlorine is poured into the bucket and then the bag is doubled tied with wire and stored in a garbage can with a tight lid for disposal later on when the coast is clear.

Animal behavior also indicates that something dire is imminent. Whales have been seen heading for deeper waters. Bears, buffalo, mountain lions, cattle, and other large animals are on the move and so are birds.

U.S. military forces are setting up large laser guns and will use the meteor shower as a test of their new weapon's capabilities. Static test results just made public indicate the laser cannons are capable of destroying large boulders set up as targets. The true effectiveness of the gun's capabilities will be made manifest when rapidly moving targets are introduced into the equation. An old Titan missile was destroyed in mid flight recently by one of the weapons as was an old F-4 Phantom jet fighter that was operated by remote control.

One group from a doomsday cult known as the Aurigid Brotherhood of the Conflagration Times consisting of 417 members committed mass suicide and they believe that the impact of the meteorites will release their souls which will then be scooped up by Comet Kiess and they will be whisked away and be relocated on a large ice covered planetesimal member of the Oort cloud. The only member to survive the mass suicide was the cult's leader, Tom Delay.

The path of the meteorite's impact field is only 25 miles wide but no one is sure where exactly that will occur nor are they sure of the exact hour-and-a-half period within which the flaming boulders of death and doom will fall.

Hordes of looters in the larger cities are sitting in strategic locations under overpasses and parking garages waiting to make their move. Sales of ammunition and weapons are sharply higher and in many areas these items are completely sold out. Chlorine, bottled water, generators, and canned food are also in short supply. One weary store employee yawned and said he hates it when these disasters come and go and then the hordes of what were once panicked buyers return to the stores wanting a refund for items they no longer feel they have any use for.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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