Jerusalem, Israel (IP) - Amateur archaeologist Henry Finootch was digging under the weeping wall with his small army shovel and made a discovery of historical proportions. He found the actual cell phone that belonged to Jesus H. Christ.
The batteries are still perfectly good and Mr. Finootch played one of the messages as tourists, religious pilgrims, and M-16 toting Israeli Special forces listened intently to the first message: "I want my dawta to marry a dentist, Jesus" said the woman with a strong New Jersey accent. She continued, "I got not'in against carpenters but my little Mary Magdeline has been brought up to marry a dentist..."
Next Mr. Finootch went through the phone numbers listed on the phone's call list and conspicuous by its absence was Judas' phone number. All of the other desciples were listed as was to be expected. At the top of the list was the Almighty One Himself. At the bottom was a guy named Beelzebub.
Scientists think now that perhaps there would have been no crucifixtion if there had been more cell towers in the area. Some of the paintings depicting Jesus on the cross show his head leaning over at an angle and this is the position we all assume when we talk on a phone while our hands are occupied elsewhere.
A close study of the calls Jesus made seems to agree with a growing theory that JC had a thing for horse racing. It is said that he never lost a race and it did not matter which horses he picked. They always won and most of the times his horses would be trailing for most of the race only to catch up miraculously at the last moment. The old track at Hialeah was his favorite. He was really bummed when it was demolished. He usually donated his winnings to the needy.