Canada was bracing itself today for a threatened tsunami. The horror wave could hit at any time according to Calgary's expert on natural disasters, Austin Shaw.
"This wave could be bigger than the Boxing Day Asian tsunami," warned Shaw. "The consequences could be terrible for the land of the Maple Leaf."
Asked where the tsunami would hit, Shaw explained that it was hard to predict. "It could come in from the west or it might hit the east coast first. My hunch is that it will actually start in Lake Louise in Bamff Park and spread north, south, east and west from there. If that happens, every city from Vancouver to Toronto will be obliterated."
Referring to a map, Shaw pointed to the Rockies and said: "Imagine a wave one hundred feet high hitting the mountains here and rebounding like a hockey puck off a post. Wham! Everything, and I mean everything, in Canada would be flattened. When the waters settle there will be a hole in the middle of the country. Canada will resemble a giant bagel."
"We have to be prepared for the worst," Shaw continued. "There are very few alternatives. Flood barriers won't work. Emigration is an option. I'm considering moving to Manchester, England myself. Alternatively people could build Arks and try to ride out the storm, waiting for a dove to return with a maple leaf in its beak."
Shaw added, "Hurricanes have names but for some reason tsunamis are anonymous. I'm changing that and christening this one Tanya - and I'm warning you, this Tanya is one fiesty angry bitch! When she hits, take cover!"
Experts around the world were puzzled by Shaw's predictions. Professor Max Kingston said: "I'm not quite sure what this guy is talking about. Mind you, if Canada is wiped off the map, I doubt the rest of the world would notice."