Written by websmuggler
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Topics: Aliens, Uranus

Sunday, 26 August 2007

image for Inhabitants of Uranus contact Earth, demand we pronounce their planet's name right
President of Uranus says "Prepare to be assimilated! Resistance is futile! HA! JUST KIDDING!!!"

DATELINE - WASHINGTON DC: An otherwise slow news day was enlivened by the landing on the White House lawn of an extraterrestrial spacecraft.

Hastily summoned to the scene were the world news media and Dr. Albert Einsteinkleinfeinbein, chief scientist of NASA, who began, "First off - spare me your lame 'What are you, some kind of rocket scientist?' jokes because I'm in no mood for that now, capische? I'm here to talk about this alien spaceship in front of us. It's from Uranus. This we know because a few hours ago the Hubble Telescope sighted it taking off from Uranus, and also because it has 'Uranus' painted on its side in big letters. And look what's ALSO painted on this spaceship: 'Made in China'. I saw that and thought 'Wow! Those Chinks are getting EVERYBODY'S outsourced business these days!' But we must remain calm..."

Just then a hatch on the ship opened and some sort of being emerged, one we would describe as "weird" or "bizarre", but won't because such descriptions have probably been declared a hate crime for all we know. [Fucking Democrats!] He - or she or it, it was hard to tell - said to Dr. Einsteinkleinfeinbein, "I'll take it from here." and then addressed the crowd:

"My name is Pervoid 6UL-DV8 and I'm the Planetary President of Uranus. I speak to you in my native language of Uranian, which by an odd coincidence happens to be exactly the same as English.

"I'm here to tell you that we of Uranus have had it up to here [at this point the being raised one of its six tentacles to its head antenna] with you people of Earth mispronouncing our planet's name. It's not 'YER - in - us'. It's 'yer - RAY - nus' How hard is that? Just say 'your anus' and you'll be pronouncing our planet's name right. Let's practice it: I'm from 'your anus'. And tonight I'll be going back to 'your anus', which is one of the biggest planets. In fact, 'your anus' is 7 times bigger than the Earth, and you must have been shitting watermelons to make it that big. That last one was a JOKE, people! Don't you get it?"

At this the crowd exchanged uneasy glances and emitted some nervous laughter. The Uranian continued, "I'm aware that to you of Earth, our planet's name sounds like the name of a certain human bodily orifice, an orifice we Uranians utterly lack. And for some reason that amuses you. So be it. But then why do some of you - your females, plus some of your more faggy males - call it instead 'Urine us' [Like THAT'S soooo much better!]? I've half a mind to change our planet's name to 'Asshole' and watch with amusement as you try to pretend you can't pronounce THAT! HA HA!

"All I'm really saying is: lighten up. Call our planet Your Anus. If your children, upon hearing a news report such as yesterday's 'NASA has sighted rings around Uranus' respond, 'So next time, wipe yourself harder!' and laugh - well, let them. They need it; life on your planet is grim enough as it is. We Uranians can take a joke, as we have a great sense of humor. Remind me to sometime tell you our funny ethnic jokes about how stupid the Saturnians are.

"But the one thing about which we have no humor at all is mispronounciations of our planet's noble name. So laugh at it, but while laughing say it right: 'your anus'.

"From watching your old movies, I know that this is the part where the space alien traditionally threatens your planet with dire consequences. So let's get that over with: People of Earth! Our patience with you is at an end! Our weapons have power beyond your feeble ability to even comprehend! For one thing, we Uranians have possessed the Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction ever since 2003, when Saddam asked us to hold onto them for safekeeping. This explains why your troops were never able to find them. HA! Isn't that a hoot?

"But we also possess other WMDs, which unlike the Iraqi WMDs actually work, as they were made in Japan. And we are not hesitant to use them. The Japanese ones, I mean. So this is your final warning! When you mean Uranus, say Your Anus - or feel the wrath of Uranus!"

The Uranian then climbed back into his spaceship while saying, "I've got a lunch booked on Jupiter in an hour, so no time for questions. My office will issue a press release and FAQ. That's all." The hatch closed, and the ship emitted a humming sound and eerie blue glow. It then lifted off and accelerated straight up at incredible speeds, and within seconds was gone from sight.

A hush fell over the crowd as we contemplated what we just witnessed: Mankind's First Contact With The Others. All agreed, however: it wasn't quite what we had expected.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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