Archaeologists in Turkey have unearthed what they call "an important theo-culinary artefact" during excavations near an ancient temple in the north of the country.
The ancient manuscript, entitled 'The Book of Donor", appears to detail the unlikely link between the Donor Kebab and God.
The manuscript has been forwarded to the Vatican for verification of its authenticity and consideration in a revised edition of the Holy Bible.
The Spoof has been fortunate enough to receive an early translation of this potentially life-changing text:
God created the heaven, the earth, day, night, man, woman, and all the beasts and creeping things, and he saw that they were good and was pleased
But the devils entered the realms of man, and lo they created wine and beer. The Lord God was displeased and upon man did he set a curse. He who drinketh from the goblet of the devil must also eateth from his plate
Mustapha, son of Mahmood and father of Moohamed, was charged by God to create foods such as would punisheth the man who drank of beer, the elixir of the devil
To work did Mustapha set, and verily he did capture the evil of the world and locked it thenceforth in unleavened bread. God was pleased and he did nameth the food of the devils Donor Kebab
To his son Moohamed did Mustapha give the first taste of hell. Strong and foul were the gases and winds of hell in Moohamed's gut, like Lucifer himself did he reek
Thrice did Moohamed try expel the foul food, thrice did nought emerge from his punished anus, save the fires of hell, and God was pleased
"Kebab Shop Guy" I name thee, Mustapha son of Mahmood. Henceforth will you go into the world of men and punish those who drink of the wine and beer of the devil, for those that drink of the devil, must also eat of the devil."
And so it came to pass, that upon man was visited a great curse. Those that eat of the Donor Kebab will thrice try expel the foul food and thrice the fires of hell itself will burn as they do so. And the sons of Mustapha and Moohamed will please the Lord till he cometh again to punish the wicked