Written by david alsatian
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Topics: Jesus

Friday, 24 August 2007

image for Jesus: That's all Folks
Screw you guys, I'm going home!

CHRISTIANS have been left stunned by the news that Jesus ISN'T planning a second coming.

The son of God broke the bombshell news in a statement released through his official press agency Beattie Media yesterday.

He cited rising property prices and the collapse of the carpentry market as mitigating factors and claimed he would be pursuing 'other projects'.

And Jesus also blasted Christian groups and the media for putting too much 'pressure' on him, insisting that, technically, he had already performed a second coming.

The statement read: "Contrary to popular belief, you won't catch me back on Earth.

"Frankly. you don't deserve salvation and I have more important projects to oversee, like repainting the pearly gates.

"It dismays me when I hear people banging on about this second coming. Hello? I died and came back from the dead people! Does that not qualify as a second coming?"

Jesus also said he was worried about that 'difficult second album' and insisted the public would be less impressed by him in the modern era.

He said: "Miracles like the loaves and fishes blew people away first time round but now I have things like all-you-can-eat buffets to compete with.

"And why turn water into wine when you can pick up a couple of bottles of chardonnay at Tescos for a deep-sea diver?

"People aren't interested in spirituality these days. I'd need to go on Celebrity Big Brother to get my point across but I won't lower myself to that. You won't catch me lapping up milk from Nina Miskouri's lap."

Jesus' statement has rocked Christians but he warned them not to lose faith.

He said: "My old boy remains omnipresent so don't think you can just do what you want. He'll still know if you kick the dog up the arse for a laugh or have a sherman while the wife is sleeping."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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