Written by websmuggler
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Topics: Canada, Israel

Tuesday, 21 August 2007

image for Israel relocated to Canada
New Jerusalem, the capital of New Israel

The State of Israel, announcing "Well! We can certainly tell when we're not wanted!" has relocated to Canada.

"For 59 years now most of the Arab world has maintained a continuous state of war against us." said Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Ohlmert. "And I'm saying, enough, already! We can take a hint!"

Defense Minister Shlomo Cohensteinowitz agreed. "It's not like we Jews need an elephant falling on our head to tell us we're not welcome, buster. So I say fine, Mister Arab guy! We're leaving! And you should only be happy!

The news was greeted with joyous celebration in the Arab world. Shi'ite leader Ashur du Smelbad said "This is a great victory for the Arabs. Now we can occupy a country about the size of a football field we have long claimed as our homeland, even though 99.5% of us have never even set foot within 200 miles of it."

"Yes, Ashur." agreed Sunni leader Muhammed Ali Nonot THATone. "We have long coveted the land the Jews called Israel, because it has lots of...sand. And also a few palm trees, I hear, near the coast. But I'm sure that in time, we'll find something there to explain why it was worth 59 years of war."

Meanwhile Israel was arriving in Canada after a dreadful flight. "Ach, did they miss a single bump? A worse trip I never had." said the population of Tel Aviv. "Oy, at my age this I don't need. God knows, I'm not well."

"Yes, yes, I know. You've been on your deathbed for 56 straight years now." replied the Israeli Defense Force, provoking a hostile glare from Tel Aviv. "So take a Maalox and stop kvetching, already."

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper greeted Israel warmly at the airport and graciously carried its luggage to the "guest province" of Nunavut. Apologizing for the somewhat spartan nature of the province, Harper explained that Canada hadn't been using it much, but he was sure Israel would be comfortable there.

"Nunavut'? What kind of meshuggah name is that for a province?" said the population of Haifa.

"That's what the local schvartzers call it." replied the Israeli Cabinet. "Well, no matter. It's now named New Israel. Here, give me a hand with this sofa. It would look best over there by the Manitoba border."

Meanwhile, in the newly renamed Islamic Republic of Israelstan, things were not going as well. Surveying his new home, Shi'ite leader Ashur du Smelbad said "This place is a dump! What an Allah-forsaken shithole! Truly it is so depressing as to make me want to go to my 72 virgins right now. This is all the fault of you Sunni swine!"

"And just who in the first place had this bright idea to start and lose six straight wars, trying to conquer this worthless parking lot-sized country that does not even have any oil?" countered Sunni leader Muhammed Ali Nonot THATone. "I give you a hint: you. Ashur, truly you are a Shi'ite Head."

"What? This 'Shi'ite Head' thing you say, I do not get it."

"No, with you being a Shi'ite Head, I did not think you would get it."

But 7000 miles away, the State of New Israel was doing well indeed. It had already surpassed the European Union to become the world's second biggest economic power, and was on track to overtake the United States as number one. New Israel Trade Minister Sol Goldbergkleinsky explained modestly, "We can't really claim credit for our success. It's just that these goyim, they'll buy anything. And for any price. It's like they never heard of haggling!"

New Israel's political gains were also noted. The province of Quebec, long expected to secede from Canada, did so, but shocked the world by announcing it was joining New Israel. British Columbia and Alberta quickly followed suit, and applications from 3 other provinces to do the same were pending.

Reactions to this from world leaders was mixed. When asked his opinion of Israel's moving into someone else's country and taking it over, President Bush replied, "Shee-it! How do you think WE got Texas?" Russian President Vladimir Putin said "No, No, it's called 'liberating' not 'taking over'. Get it right." Canadian Indians, surprisingly unperturbed, said "White folks claiming they own our land just because they're on it? So what ELSE is new?"

And from Ottawa, Prime Minister Harper said something about this showing disrespect for Canadian sovereignty and dignity. However nobody gave a shit what Harper said, as Canada was never a real country anyway.

Then came the surprising announcement from the Middle East that all the world's Arabs were now dead. This came about when an English-speaking aide to Shi'ite leader Ashur du Smelbad explained to him what that "Shi'ite Head" thing meant. Now that he got the joke, Smelbad was so enraged by it that he declared Holy War on all Sunni Arabs. The Sunnis declared war on all Shi'ites in return. After 6 months no clear winner was emerging, so both sides appealed to nuclear-armed Pakistan for help.

But at first Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf hesitated to get involved, explaining "We could not decide who to help. The problem is, whether Sunni or Shi'ite, all Arabs look alike. This everyone knows. If only one side had lighter skin, so it would be obvious who was right! So we thought it safest to 'hedge our bets', and support BOTH sides. With our nukes." The result is the Middle East is now flat, black, burned, crushed, glows in the dark, and is too radioactive to support life for the next 700 years.

The clear winner in all this is New Israel. Commenting on this, Mel Gibson said, "You see? I TOLD you the fucking Jews control everything!" To which The Jews replied, "No, Mel, not everything. Just Canada - for now."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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