Written by Monkey Woods
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Topics: Prison, Farting, Hull

Thursday, 16 August 2007

image for Farting Sparks Security Alert At Jail
Don't give 'em prune juice, Boss!

Prison staff working at a maximum-security jail at the weekend found that the establishment's hi-tech locking system was no match for Kitchen staff, whose extraordinary culinary talents helped spark a major security alert.

Inmates at Hull Prison discovered that, after consuming vast quantities of lentil goulash and prune juice, they were able to spring the locks on their cell doors MERELY BY FARTING.

One prisoner, FE3549 Hudson, told his Probation Officer:

"I just pumped, and my cell door flew open."

Another, habitual clothes-line robber, AG1417 Evans, said:

"I had the goulash. It was ghoulish. Rank. I felt my guts bubbling, and when I let rip, it was loud enough to warn ships off rocks. All the locks sprang! Them lentils!"

Governor at the jail, Les Petomain, told reporters that there had been "an incident", but the risk to security had been minimal, and there was no need for residents living nearby to panic.

"It was all over very quickly," he said, "which is more than can be said for the outbreak of diarrhoea that followed."

Experts have are investigating the cause of the security breach, but say that installing new fartproof locks would cost the British government upwards of £150,000 per jail.

Home Office spokesman John Cheapskate said:

"Better to just stay off the lentils and prune juice."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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