(Vatican News Service) Scientists and archaeologists permitted to study the ancient mystery known as The Shroud of Turin have uncovered new evidence. Those researchers, however, have refused to fully reveal their findings until they are placed under a Federal Witness Protection Program.
Part of their findings are that the image was actaully that of Johannes Guttenburg, labelled an infidel for inventing a printing press and trying to bring the word of God to the people by mass publishing the Bible. At his trial and execution, Papal Inquisitor Jules Innocent said "If we wanted the masses to know the truth of the scriptures and the church, we would have taught the people to read."
The shroud is just one of many relics that the Vatican refuses to allow scientists to study and attempt to authenticate. Veracity must be protected from the servants of the devil who would place science and fact over faith.
Said one heretic Shroud researcher that will burn in hell forever, desiring to remain anonymous, "I've seen what the Catholic Church does to people that disagree with it or try to prove it wrong. Look at Dan Brown; he wrote the Da Vinci Code three years ago and hasn't published anything since."
Another blasphemer who denies the very existence of God said, "What we found will turn religion on it's heels. The true identity of the man on the shroud and the true history of it and the Vatican will be enough to get me killed. It will be another inquisition all over again."
Shortly after making these claims, these Godless, Satanic devil worshippers mercifully left the earth in a fiery explosion of a safe house outside of Butte, Montana. The cabin contained no electric hook-ups, no fuel sources, and no propane stove or lantern. Experts are calling it "God's fire from heaven." Locals who said that they saw a missile strike were quickly and quietly dispatched.
Truth will continue.