LONDON - WASHINGTON - PARIS - WELL, EVERYWHERE - In a dramatic u-turn of world history, the Beeb has recently made a statement - in cooperation with CNN, ITV, FORBES and all other news desks - that 'Nothing is Happening'. That's right, sorry folks, the world is just boring.
All over the world, people are sitting down at their desks, twiddling their thumbs or getting on with that piece of paper work they never had the time to do. The News Desk at BBC London is particularly boring. So boring, they seem to have resorted to crude BBC Breakfast Reporters making bad jokes about the weather and generally insulting the weatherman.
'Yes that's right,' said the new PM, 'The economy is ticking over nicely, the war in Iraq has gone a bit stale, police have wrapped up any unsolved mysteries, foot and mouth turned out just to be a rumour, terrorists are on their annual holiday camp in Milford-on-Sea - in fact, the most interesting thing that's happened is a new Ikea opening in Coventry. Look, I bought a toaster.'
The news of Gordon Brown and his lustful toaster addiction has sent shock waves all over the earth. Even now - 30 seconds after the statement, hundreds of MP's have opened up that 'actually I, once, when I was young - and only once - used a toaster - but I didn't like it. Honest.'
This reporter finds it only slightly ironic that, after all these years of hoping for no disasters, when it finally happens we're all bored out of our skulls.
Perhaps Hugh Edwards could be persuaded to focus on nice things. Like the absence of war, natural disasters and destruction....
But alas, the world seems eager for another disaster, so we can all sigh, sit down with a cup of tea and say:
"What a shame... I'm glad I wasn't there..."