London - (Ass Mess): Notorious self-publicist and Kabbalah sucker Madonna has recruited disgraced ex-MI5 spook David Shayler who told UK TV news this week that he has had a psychic revelation that has ordained him aa the Anointed Messiah.
Shayler's ex-girlfriend Annie Machon said today that after a decade of believing in her porky, corpulent Billy Bunter lover she finally dumped him last summer after coming home to find he'd shaved off all his hair including his eyebrows.
"He was spending his entire day chanting, reading stoopid Kabbalah books, drinking Healing Kabbalah Water and giving half of his dole money to Madonna's Rabbi Berg - leaving me to foot the rent, the electircity bill, pay for food, and all the other expenses.
"So I said to myself: "Sod This For A Lark, Annie!" and packed my bags.
"Maybe MI5 has finally succeeded in brainwashing him. He certainly started going bonkers after coming out of jail because the first thing he did was get an appointment with a tea--leaf reader who told him he was the living reincarnation for the Messiah.
"Messiah? He's just a fat, flatulent ex-British spook who got caught colluding with the IRA and was hung out to dry by claiming the Foreign Office plotted to assasinate Colonel Gaddafi.
"But try telling him that!
"All he does now is follow Rabbi Berg's teachings which at fifty quid an hour is bloody outg=rageous if you ask me.
"And Madonna, who recruited him, she must be laughing out of her arsehole. Yet anther mug!
"Personally I think the spook bosses tampered with his brain - maybe something subliminal that hypnotised him into this Kabbalah crap. I dunno.
"He certainly smokes a helluva lot of homre grown these days.
""Still, maybe if he comes to his senses one day he can get a job as a roadie for Madonna.
"Or maybe run for Parliament along with George galloway's Respect Party?"