Written by Fergus McCarthy
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Saturday, 11 August 2007

image for Queen Mudder photographed in Trafalgar Square
The QM searches for the next free WiFi hot spot.

'Every man shall do his duty' someone once said, It may been Nelson, or another one of the Simpsons characters but those words ring true today.

It is with a heavy heart and a full bladder that I feel compelled to publish this photograph of the most prolific and fearless contributor to this dangerous and addictive website, but I do so only as a warning to young and impressionable writers who may be tempted to chase the points, crack the top twenty, those who covet the crown.

What you see in the picture is a shadow of a man, a man called Akabilk.J.Benson, a pillar of the community who was at the pinnacle of his career as a Supreme Court Judge overseeing some of the most high profile cases in Britain, a man who was held in such high esteem that he was flown daily by NATO helicopters to the Hauge to oversee and ensure that justice was done in the highly charged atmosphere of the trials of Bosnian war criminals.

One day, sometime in May 2004 he received an E-Mail from a colleague containing an amusing story about a chain smoking polar bear and an invite to submit a story of his own.

He did. One story led to two, two to three and so it followed until nothing else mattered except the points, his wife of 17 years left with their dog, 14 children and the Filipino housemaid, he jailed a stenographer for 12 years in a fit of rage for deleting one of his stories and so lost his job, the house and the Bentley soon followed.

All Akabilk Benson is left with now is the shopping bag on wheels that he uses to ferry his newspapers and lap top computer around central London searching for cafes and McDonalds with a WiFi connection where he sits in the doorway frantically tapping at the keys eating discarded burgers and melted chocolate milkshakes. At night he sleeps in Paddington station and charges his computer in the cleaners store.

What will become of him when the laptop finally gives up does not bear thinking about, the streets of London can be harsh and unforgiving and unless the YMCA has an internet room I fear the worst.

One story a week is enough. Know your limit. Spoofing destroys lives.

Fergus McCarthy

Make Fergus McCarthy's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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