Lord Lucan, the eccentric English peer who disappeared from the face of the earth after his children's nanny was murdered in 1974, has been found alive and well by Hobbits in New Zealand.
The aristocrat was discovered "sitting on a log", nibbling a possum, and initially tried to escape the clutches of his hunters, but, at 73, he was no match for the Hobbits, strange humanoid forms that are indigenous to New Zealand.
Lucan, who claimed to be 'Roger Woodgate', told his captors he lived in a mound of earth partly covered by the stump of an old tree in dense forest near Marton. The entrance to his home had been carefully covered with leaves.
The authorities say that, despite the fact that Lucan is wanted in connection with a murder back in Britain, they will not be making any investigations as they say the area is "far too scary".
Only a month ago, in the same part of this inhospitable region, the disappeared Manic Street Preachers frontman Richey James was sighted riding a horse, which witnesses took to be the long-missing racehorse, Shergar.
Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams, who once claimed that the horse had ended up in meat pies, declined to comment.