President Bush gave an unprecedented press release from the Oval Office bathroom today. In his historic address, he confessed to being a long-time victim of the controversial fad of self-administered molasses enemas.
"I grew up on a diet of Alpo and saltine crackers...the rich food they serve in the White House was giving me horrendous diarhea. After seeing the political fallout after Pop puked on the Japanese ambassador, I figured I better not risk dumping a load in the middle of a peace treaty," admitted the President.
In an effort to reign in on his over-active sphinctor, Bush began to utilize the molasses enema to "gum up the works". The idea of the enema was originally introduced to Bush by Imelda Marcos who had used the trick to seal millions of dollars worth of currency in her bum when she and her husband fled the Phillipines in the 1980's.
Unfortunately for Bush, the enema not only slowed his elimination process, but stopped it entirely. "I'm so full of crap," the President stated. "It's gotten to the point where I can't walk into a room or deliver a speech without sensing that everyone is thinking "the President is full of crap".
"In the beginning I used to have the molasses injected by Dick," Bush noted. A quick follow-up question by a reporter from The Rainbow Times led to a clarification by the President, "Cheney...Dick Cheney, the Vice-President....and no I'm not free for dinner and a movie on Friday."
Bush, who was nude from the waist down and trying hard to satisfy his urge to purge, took this opportunity to air his differences with the bureaucracy. "There is a foul wind and a stench of corruption in Washington", he said. A quick Newsweek reporter who responded, "No kidding, can we PLEASE open a window" was summarily dismissed mid-conference.
Bush tried to keep a podium between himself and the journalists in an effort to prevent pictures of his privates from being taken and finding their way to the internet. "He need not have worried," one photographer noted, "none of us own a zoom lense powerful enough to pick up such small images."
Bush lamented that all his decisions in office to date were affected by his condition. "They're all crap," he noted. "I just hope I get my condition resolved before the elections, because I'm not sure how long I can count on American's putting up with all my crap."
In a parting comment, Bush attempted to show a modicum of strength my saying, "I can still urinate, so nobody can say Bush is a man who doesn't know how to go with the flow."