New Jersey, June, 2007: Atop the statue of Liberty, the former Prime Minister declared his love for seagulls amidst a storm of controversy over the 'Oil for seagulls' program.
Fast forward to August, 2007, and proud as a strutting peacock with a new pair of Nike trainers and in complete contrast to the sombre surrounds of Rampton Prison where he is currently serving a sentence for licking old women's scalps, former Prime Minister, Tony Blair, Lord of Al Capone's Nightclub, today revealed that he thinks his arse is a right beauty.
"I've been entering contests at the caravan site in Pwllheli and also at Ty Mawr, near Rhyl, and people say I have as good as ANY arse on ANY former tyrant in charge of a small monarchy", said Blair, 83, and a former carbolic addict.
Furthermore, though hard to determine whether it is just delusion, disillusionment with digging holes in the road for BT or losing his Wife in Netto on a recent shop for low-priced Gold, there seems to be a REAL sense of ambition in his drive for Arse glory.
"Yasser Arafat first got me into thinking I had a great arse and it was quickly followed by a comment from Ted Heath, who always tried to get his big beaky nose up me crack. I always denied my arse, at the very beginning, because something as important as that really needs my time and attention, and with having so much of my time diverted to minor matters, I felt I couldn't give it my all".
Today, Tony is living testament to the 'Live your dream' parable; he is a man possessed as he fights to secure release from the top security wing, after a razor blade fight with a John Inman impersonator.
"All this talk of me becoming a middle-east envoy/peace maker is total and utter bollocks. For me, the real quest is touring North Wales as I display my buttocks on stage, with a magician as my support act".
It is hard to imagine Tony, who studied 'match collecting' at Oxford Polytechnic NOT achieving his aim, as his spirit and drive are very tangible qualities that exude from his every fibre.
Perhaps soon, we'll all know the name of Tony Blair, 'Arse Champion of Pwllheli' before too long.