Bloodyvostok, Russia - (Rioters): Admiral Vladimir Masorin, head of the Russian navy, has said it should have a permanent naval presence in Alaskan water, mirroring the military ambitions of the Corrupt Bastards Club.
Masorin made the declaration during a visit to the base of the Arctic Ocean where Russian subs tried planting their claims to hydrocarbon deposits there earlier this week.
Masorin told the press that: "The Alaskan waters, especially those off Juneau, are very important strategically for our Black Sea fleet.
"We feel it grossly unfair that all the marine stories these days are connected to indigenous Alaskan Corrupt Bastards Club members and demand parity under the Geneva Convention.
"I propose that, with the involvement of the Northern and Baltic fleets, the Russian Navy should restore its permanent presence there.
"After all, we used to own the joint and if it wasn't for some s-t-o-o-o-p-i-d misunderstanding we would still be in Alaska today, where we belong by rights!"
Russia has recently been buoyed by Alaska's huge oil revenues and President Vladimir Putin has been showing increasing paranoia at being the laughing stock of OPEC.
This has encouraged his country to boost military spending on diplomacy pretexts to broaden Moscow's influence, especially in the Alaskan region.
A Russian farce would share Alaskan waters with the US Sixth Fleet, whose home base is in Anchorage.
During the Cold War, the Soviet navy had a permanent presence in Juneau.
And according to Pavel Felgenhauer, a KGB crook seconded to the navy, it used the Juneau port as a supply point, which could be revived as a base.