Written by Kent Pete
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Saturday, 4 August 2007

image for Harmful levels of Testosterone found in Irn Bru
Suzie Beazer, She's now a Geezer.

Sold as a harmless Scottish fruit drink, Irn Bru has found itself under threat after allegations that each can contains, "almost 20 times the legal amount of the male hormone testosterone".

In a court case that could bankrupt its producers, Susie Beazer of 9, Union Street, Dundee, claims that drinking Irn Bru for over 20 years has had a detrimental effect on her health.

Known cruelly as "Beazer the Geezer", Suzie told our reporter, "Like all Scottish children growing up in the 1980's I was virtually forced to drink Irn Bru on a daily basis. My mammy even had a little rhyme for it. If I was oot playing with me pals she would call out the windie...

    "Come on in yer wee bastard Sue,
    everyone's waiting for their fruity Bru.

"If I'd known then that body builders were secretly drinking it to build up their small parts I would never have touched the stuff!"

Prosecution lawyer Stephen Pritchard claims that Irn Bru has ruined his clients life and that they would be seeking a "substantial payment" from the Glasgow based fizzy drinkary.

"You only have to look at the poor girl to see what a devastating effect Irn Bru has had on her life. She used to be a pretty wee thing. Look at her now for fuck's sake..... She'd stop traffic. "

Working for the defence Sir Leonard Crowther believes that the whole thing has been blown out of all proportion.

"A lot of women become more masculine looking as they get older. It's the process of ageing I'm afraid. I suggest that Ms Beazer needs to accept that she is no longer a spring chicken. Anyway, some men prefer the older women. I'd still give her one."

The case continues on Monday.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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