CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Washington - Dick Cheney went under the knife for a replacement battery for his defribulator.
Doctors were shocked to find, when they opened Cheney, that instead of a heart, all he had was a black hole. They tried to replace the black hole with a new device, but the black hole kept swallowing up the new devices before they could sew him shut.
The doctors held a meeting to discuss what to do in this situation, since failing to repair the Vice President could spell torture and Guantanamo for the doctors. The doctors decided that the best thing to do was just replace the battery and let it go at that. This time, the doctors replaced the battery with an Eveready battery instead of a Duracell battery.
The doctors are hopeful that the battery will fail again if Dennis Kucinich and Ron Paul fail to impeach him.