Written by rnd3ll
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Topics: History

Friday, 27 July 2007

image for It's Not 'All Good', Reveals Expert
"Even the barber won't give you a proper shave these days"

A leading expert in complicated things about the world and its doings has revealed today that people who insist 'It's all good' are in fact some way from the truth.

Doctor Monsignor Alfonse Calamari, founder of the Oswaldtwistle Institute Of Having A Bloody Good Look At Things And Really Getting To Grips With Them, has conducted a 30 year study into the world and all the stuff in it and that. 'Basically,' he told us, 'Things aren't as good as they used to be.'

'Take the weather, for example,' he offered. 'The weather used to be good. The weather used to be absolutely frigging magic in the summer sometimes and we'd all have water fights and whatnot.' Now, however, Dr. M. Calamari believes the weather is not only not good but may even be bordering on what he describes as, '…absolutely piss poor. The only water fights you see these days are skanky housewives wrestling in sewage as their snaggle-toothed offspring try to stick a firework in the nozzle of a bowser.'

Nor are the shocking findings aren't limited to climatic phenomena. 'Mars Bars.' said Calamari. 'They were good when they were proper sized but now you need about six before your stomach knows it's in business. That's not good. That's not even all right. That's rubbish.'

Calamari concedes that some things are good but believes it's misleading of people to claim it all is, and said he intends to lobby his local MP to outlaw the phrase until things pick up again.

In related news, a government think tank has dismissed the notion 'it'll all come out in the wash' but did admit that 'things will look different tomorrow'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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