Thames Valley, UK - (Ass Mess): As South East England drinking water supplies trickled to an all-time low today Thames Water has vowed to impose a hosepipe ban to avert a predicted national disaster.
"What we are experiencing at the moment is yet another aspect of drought," a Thames source said today.
"Three consecutive dry summers have been followed by the disaster we all knew would happen.
"We blame selfish gardeners who are at the heart of the problem.
"So from midnight tonight we will be taking drastic action and imposing a hosepipe ban.
"Anybody caught watering their gardens, washing cars, windows, patios ect will be severely dealt with.
"Andbody caught hoarding water will be repatriated to the Warwickshire/Gloucestershire/Oxfordshire triangle and left there to rot.
"We have a statutory duty to our shareholders and during times such as these that means getting tough with the hard core abusers of the system."
Other water companies are meeting with the industry regulator Ofwat and will issue a policy statement later this week.