Vatican City, Vatican - Cardinal St. Louis, the Pope's right hand man, announced to the world today that "the Pope is dead."
Catholics throughout the world were stunned. They started crying, gnashing their teeth and wailing like Israeli walls. Finally, Cardinal St. Louis realized the problem. He apologized, "It must have been lost in translation. Not like the Sofia Coppola movie, which I hear is very good, but I haven't seen it yet. Is it Anti-Semitic too?"
Anyway, the Pope isn't dead. His image was. The College of Cardinals, now to be known as the Cassock Crew, and el Papa have decided to update their images and give themselves hip-hop makeovers in an attempt to win youthful souls.
The Pope's name change was very difficult. El Papa the Rappa and P. Popey - Pope were considered. Finally, they decided to change his name to JP2,
the Clerical Relic.
The holy men haven't stopped there. They have commissioned a mural of JC, the Savior formerly known as Jesus Christ, and his Holy Homies, the Apostle Gang. They will be painted in East LA, Rome and in another yet undisclosed location.
There is also talk of a hip-hop version of the Bible to be written by an Ebonics professor emeritus from UCLA and a bunch of new cds to be cut by the Dominican Friars. "The chants will be kicking and slammin'. You haven't rapped until you've rapped in Latin." Fr. MC Christ announced to anyone who would listen.
Many Catholics are bewildered by this move, but JP2, the Clerical Relic, is too busy working on his new reality TV show for MTV to care.