Iron Permanent Press--Scoop Johnson Barney the Scott Terrier was returned to the President today after spending nearly two days in an insurgent stronghold in the foothills of Afghanistan. The poor pooch was left behind after the presidential motorcade had stopped to let the canine relieve his tiny bladder.
"By the time I realized he was gone, Ricky had already set out to get him back," exclaimed George W. Bush, acting President. Tricky and the little short black mutt had spent a short but meaningful time together in the Navy Seals Canine Division over in Kuala Lumpur.
Undisclosed sources claimed the furry black animal had actually made a break for it when he overheard a conversation between Condoleeza Rice and Bush who were planning to dye his hair purple like the disgustingly loveable dinosaur from the popular kids TV shows of the same name.
"All I can say is that guy really loves animals. I do too, only not in that way… I think," said a confused Dick Cheney. Using only a stick of gum and a jumbo paper clip, Tricky Ricky was able to hot-wire an antiquated WWII tank from a top-secret underground armory in the desert to fool the guards at the fortress gate. "Once inside, he just waited for night to fall. That's how I trained him," said Gen. Colin Powell trying to suck up all the glory.
But the plan was nearly foiled by a neck that snapped way too loudly as the Trickster was sending the resting troops to a permanent dirt nap. "Well, the combination of the acoustics in the darkened barracks and the sound of a large dry twig snapping got me into a real jam," joked Ricky. "The rest of the Elite Regiment was up in no time and had me surrounded."
Relying solely on his Aikido, Karate, Jeet Kung Do, Tae Kwon Do, Jiu Jitsu, Capoeira, Northern and Southern Shao Lin, Wu Tang Style Kung Fu and Sumo wrestling skills he was able to defeat the rest of the troop in a brutal hand-to-hand slugfest that lasted nearly three hours. "It took longer that it should have because I'm only a 10th degree black belt in my styles," Ricky said modestly.
"The situation was extremely intense," reflected Gen. Norman Schwartzkopf. "He was barely getting any Kibbles and Bits." When our hero finally exited the fortified camp with the First Pooch under his arm the body count was 96 with an additional 236 men suffering from various broken limbs totalling 7,435 bones, ligaments and articulations.
Tricky Ricky refused any kind of monetary compensation for his heroic deeds citing, "I didn't do anything that any other red-blooded patriot wouldn't have done." Barney, now happily reunited with his family, continues to leave puppy swirls on the White House lawn while Ricky returns to his humble job as a Bare Knuckle Fist Fighting sparring partner and trainer to the Secret Service's Military Attachés. None has made it past the first round.