Written by Cal Jennings
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Monday, 23 July 2007

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Putting Power Behind the Pen

CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Washington - President Bush added power to the power to the power that he gave himself by approving new CIA methods Friday.

First, he passed the Patriot Act which basically overrode all but one of the amendments in the Bill of Rights.

Next, he signed the National Security and Homeland Security Presidential Directive which basically gave him the power of a dictator during a crisis of great evil, such as someone writing something nasty about him in their blog and ruining his government social functions.

Next, he signed the Executive Order: Blocking Property of Certain Persons Who Threaten Stabilization Efforts in Iraq.

    (i) to have committed, or to pose a significant risk of committing, an act or acts of violence that have the purpose or effect of:

Now, if the president decides you pose a RISK of committing an act or acts of violence, he can have you arrested and shipped to Guantanamo.

    (B) undermining efforts to promote economic reconstruction and political reform in Iraq or to provide humanitarian assistance to the Iraqi people;

If ya undermine efforts to promote economic reconstruction by blogging something negative about Halliburton, he can have you arrested and shipped to Guantanamo.

    (ii) to have materially assisted, sponsored, or provided financial, material, logistical, or technical support for, or goods or services in support of, such an act or acts of violence or any person whose property and interests in property are blocked pursuant to this order

Now, if you gave to an organization that gave to an organization that supported terrorists, ...you guessed it... you can be arrested and shipped off to Guantanamo.

Microsoft is responding to the directive by refusing to give any technical support to anyone who even SOUNDS like an Iraqi. Other manufacturers who provide similar services for their software are expected to follow suit.

Feeling the need to back up the paperwork with some muscle, which is where the new CIA torture method approval came in.

President Bush, when questioned on this matter, said, "I love torture. Torture is good. It's good for America. I'm supportin' are trupes. Besides, CIA Director Michael V. Hayden said in a statemunt the progrum had gleened "irreplaceable" informashun from terrerism detainees, like who took mah gold watch."

Rights activists criticized Bush's order for failing to spell out which techniques are now approved or prohibited.

"All the order really does is to have the president say, 'Everything in that other document that I'm not showing you is legal -- trust me,'" said Tom Malinowski of Human Rights Watch.

When asked if the methods of torture would be increased, President Bush declined to discuss specifics but said "it would be very wrong to assume that the progrum of the past would move into the future unchanged."

CIA detainees have also alleged they were left naked in cells for prolonged periods, subjected to sensory and sleep deprivation and subjected to extreme heat and cold, while being sexually taunted. A senior administration official briefing reporters yesterday said that any future use of "extremes of heat and cold" would be subject to a "reasonable interpretation . . . by President Bush."

"Such interrogations now comply with both domestic and international law," said President Bush, "now that I've changed thuh laws.

A senior administration official said that the new rules do not require that the International Committee of the Red Cross have access to CIA prisoners.

"Now we'll be ready fer them writers at TheSpoof.com what's always makin' fun uh me an' mah aminstuation," commented Bush.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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