Cheshire, UK - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Osama Bin Laden is said to be "thrilled and delighted" at the latest family addition in the shape of comely 51 year old Cheshire woman Jane Felix-Brown who has married his 27 year old Jeddah scrap metal dealer son Omar in April this year.
Today the new Mrs Bin Laden Jr talked about the "explosive chemistry" of the love match between her and her fifth husband whom she met while horsing around under the pyramids in Egpyt on a riding holiday:
"It was fireworks in the sky when we first met. When I saw Omar my pulse began racing and my heart started thumping like it would explode in my chest!
"A nifty bomb-belt strapped under a jilbab couldn't have produced such intensity of emotions.
"I just knew I had to have him, and hang the consequences.
"Sure, I'd heard he was already married with a couple of toddler children of his own, but so what?
"These Arab chappies are allowed four attempts at wedlock. And having been married four times previously myself I thought why not?
"Omar is a decent enough bloke with a good prospects in the family firm and a steady career in the scrap metal industry.
"He collects pipes and nails and similar metal odds and ends that have such a successful market appeal in the current climate.
"A few of his chums already work in the UK's NHS and recently test-drove one of Omar's latest gadgets to see just how much fine-tuning is needed before a full-scale commercial launch maybe earlier in the year to co-incide with the State Opening of Parliament.
"Now I'm just waiting for the Home Office to grant him a visitor's visa for a bit of conjugal rights on compassionate grounds.
"Then maybe we can get my new father-in-law to visit as well because he desperately needs a new hip on the NHS to replace the one that was blown up when he fled into the Afhani hillocks after 9/11.
"I think he might even qualify for some deconstructive facial surgery on the NHS which would be great because everybody needs a bit of a public face-lift once they're over 50."
Ayman Zawahiri is 69.