Written by Jalapenoman
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Wednesday, 11 July 2007

image for Pope Says All Other Churches Are False and Have No Authority

Pope Benedict XVI stated today that all organizations besides the Catholic Church are false. He said that they do not have the authority to perform the ordinances of salvation and could not show an unbroken line of authority back to the original apostles.

When asked who the current apostles were in the Catholic Church who held the apostolic authority, he could not answer.

He further stated that these groups could not really call themselves churches, but only congregations.

When it was pointed out the the Greek Orthodox, Russian Orthodoz, and Coptic churches claimed an unbroken lineage back to the original apostles, he responded that: "Yeah, but they don't recognize me as the Pope, so there!"

The Reverend Billy Graham issued the following statement regarding the Pope's words: "Who does that former Hitler Youth think he is? Bring me that Nazi bastard and I'll kick his bead shaking ass! I think he's been sipping to much of the sacramental wine. Maybe if I hold his head under the holy water for a few minutes, he'll come to his senses." It should be noted that Graham may still have been upset due to the loss of his wife several weeks ago.

When his public relations people were asked for a response that was more in keeping with Graham's life long message, they said: "Who does that former Hitler Youth think he is? Bring us that Nazi bastard and we'll kick his bead shaking ass! We think he's been sipping to much of the sacramental wine. Maybe if we hold his head under the holy water for a few minutes, he'll come to his senses."

The Reverend Jesse Jackson offered this opinion on the Pope's statement: "That damned cracker said what? You shittin' me! I oughta open up a can a whoop ass on that old dress wearin', little boy molestin', statue worshippin' fart! In them white robes, he look like he in that Klan or some such. Now he act like it too! No wonder there ain't no brothers in his church."

When told how Billy Graham responded to the Pope, Jackson said, "that's good. You tell Billy he stay home and take care of his family right now cuz they need him. I'll go and kick some sense into that honkey. He can hide in his Pope Mobile all he want, but he gotta come out and pee some time, and I be waitin'."

"I'll bring Billy back a t-shirt or some postcards or sumthin'."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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