CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Dublin - Superman, in a heroic battle against the evil mustache on Lex Luthor's clone, Mark Lowton, editor at TheSpoof.com, was finally victorious after using his Kryptonian intellect to come up with a way to remove the evil mustache.
Cal-el, the REAL Superman, recognized that the evil mustache was what was responsible for keeping Mark Lowton from paying his poor, slave labor writers by using his X-ray vision. He noticed that the evil mustache contained a Verichip which was controlled from Lex Luthor's secret hideout.
Cal-el tried to burn the mustache off with his heat vision, but found that the mustache had been lead lined, thwarting his Kryptonian powers that he gets from Earth's yellow sun. Fearing that all might be lost if he didn't find a solution, Cal-el flew to his Fortress of Solitude and went into the Kryptonian city of Kandor to consult with Kryptonian scientists.
The scientists came up with a pair of mirrored sunglasses which would alter the chemistry of his heat vision and allow it to burn off the lead lined mustache which held the Verichip. Cal-el then flew back to do battle with the evil mustache.
Upon his return, Cal-el found that Lex Luthor had anticipated this move and placed a large amount of Kryptonite in the mustache. Superman felt himself growing weak as he neared the evil Lex Luthor clone and was almost overpowered by Mark Lowton, who was still under Luthor's control.
Cal-el quickly flew, faster than the speed of light, back to the Fortress of Solitude and built himself a body-suit of lead. He then flew back to TheSpoof.com, put on the sunglasses, and proceeded to burn the mustache off of Mark Lowton's face.
"Thanks, Superman," said Mr. Lowton. "I've been under Lex Luthor's control for quite a while now. I'm so happy to be back to normal that I'm going to pay all the writers at TheSpoof.com TWICE what they would get at Helium!"