Written by Ho Lee Crap
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Topics: China, Rubbish

Friday, 6 July 2007

image for Chinese Goods Blasted as Sub-Standard
'at room temperature, the truffles returned to their natural state' - Michel Instar, Parisian chef

(Leuters, Beijing) - There is increasing global concern as to the quality of goods being exported from China to the West. In recent months tests on products ranging from dog food to battleships have revealed increasing levels of sub-standard workmanship, materials and outlawed chemicals during the production and manufacture process.

The media scandal erupted last year when it was revealed that up to 98% of the US dog population was dying as a result of chemicals such as cocaine, sewage, paint thinners and nuclear waste finding their way into most popular brands of dog food shipped from the yellow giant. 'Dogs were turning up listless, brain-damaged and just plain dead' leading veterinary surgeon Dick Trickle claimed. In one extreme case, a bear-trap was removed from a chihuahua's stomach after it had started to chow-down on a packet of Lucky Happy Doggibix. The brand was subsequently removed from stores across the US.

The problem doesn't stop at food. Last week the Swedish Navy rejected delivery of their new battleship, Big-Titted Helga, purchased from the Lucky Happy Shipyard, Longdong Province, Xinxangooli. A spokesman from the Navy described the vessel as 'unsuitable for fishing off let alone for use in extended periods of sea warfare'. It appears the superstructure had been cut from the Shokaku, a destroyer last used in the attack on Pearl Harbor, the hull reconstructed from several thousand Lucky Happy Brand cooking oil drums and the engines from a trawler reported stolen off Minsk in 1986.

More recently in Paris, France, a consignment of truffles had to be returned after they were discovered to be hand-packed balls of cow shit, dried in the sun and painted black. Chef Michel Instar admitted 'they smelled OK, tasted the same and were a tenth of the price of their equivalent from the Perigord, but at the end of the day, they were smelly shit, not smelly fungus so after a week or so, we stopped using them.'

The problem scaled new heights this week when an inter-departmental battle erupted within the US Food and Drug Administration who couldn't decide whether the products claimed as foods were really drugs or vice versa.

Spokesmen for The Lucky Happy Dog Food Company, Lucky Happy Ship Company , Lucky Happy Cooking Oil Company and Lucky Happy Frog-Nosh Supply Company all declined to comment.

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