APE Line - Corning, New York - It was a quiet day for Etta Smith, age 72, of Corning, New York, except for the noise of a backhoe working in her front yard. Officials here today made an amazing discovery.
"We've been having trouble with this part of town for nearly 40 years!" said City Engineer Rodney Smith, "Then I got to doin' some research and lo and behold I came a across an odd missing persons report from 40 years ago."
Right about then it was Etta Smith calling to complain about a sewer back-up and strange noises coming from her toilet, "It was just so eerie sounding coming from the...well you know where, but it sounded like a...like a fart."
"I laughed when I heard that," said Rodney Smith, "But you know when that's all you've heard for 40 years...Man I don't even like to think about it."
The man is apparently a former City of Corning employee who worked on installing the Citie's first sewer lines, Kenneth Johnson. He is unable to speak yet, medical personnel say it could be months before they have serious communications established. "He's very ill," said chief surgeon Carl Roves, "He's been living on human...awww! For 40 years now. His eyes can't adjust to light yet and his mouth was in a smaller pipe, forces his lips to grow out like...like a mushroom!"
Kenneth Johnson's family has been notified, but they live in California now, his ex-wife gave up on him for dead. "I never heard from him again after he went to work one day. The City said he must have gone out for a beer after work. Well it was a long beer, that's all I had to say back then. Of course I feel awful now, I'm remarried. Oh I do hope he'll understand."
Medical officials are planning a press conference after they have had more time to assess the man's conditions. Stay tuned!