Written by Haydn Sique
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Thursday, 28 June 2007

image for iPhone lAcks sEveral iMportant fUnctions
You can't wear it either - unlike this tasteful early '90s sweater

Our sTaff's cLose eXamination of the wAy oVerhyped iPhone - now they've got me doing it - has found several big gaps in the functions the public desires of its appliances.

They are promising that it will replace your telephone, iPod, computer, e-mail account, vibrator, blackberry, PDT, PDM, television set, cable or satellite system, toaster, photo album, digital camera, blender, calculator, the weather channel, GPS system, and babysitting service.

However, the iPhone doesn't do laundry, clean the house, wax the car or mind the kids, you can't cook on it, nor can you use it as a kayak. These and more of the countless severe functional shortcomings detailed in the pending bestseller, tHe iPhone: bIg dEal.

Of course if you're not busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, minding the kids, waxing the car or flailing around in a lake, you can use the expensive gadget as a telephone, you've heard of those, or surf a tiny net, wHoopee.

Let's make this short, I gotta get in line at the aPple sTore.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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