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Monday, 25 June 2007

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The Mormons are sending out their one millionth missionary

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has crossed a new milestone. The twelve million member church, founded in 1830, will send its one millionth missionary out "into the field" this summer. The first missionary was Samuel Smith, brother of church founder Joseph Smith.

Mormon missionaries travel in pairs and are often seen riding their bicycles while wearing suit pants, white shirts, and ties. They knock on doors world wide to share their Christian message and try to bring converts to their church.

The milestone missionary, nineteen year old Gordon Brigham Smith of Boise, Idaho, will serve his church in Veracruz, Mexico. Though he shares the same last name, he is not a descendant of Joseph or Samuel Smith.

In honor of this number, Schwinn bicycle company (which estimates it has sold over 200,000 bikes to Mormons over the years) will donate a twelve speed to "Elder" Smith.

Schwinn will also donate a bicycle helmet, a clip on bicycle tire pump (which Mormon missionaries say is a great tool for beating off dogs which chase you), a tube repair kit (an absolute essential), and a pair of pants clips (to keep the slacks from getting caught in the chain or spokes).

Van Heusen has stated that they will donate twelve white shirts (six long sleeve and six short sleeve) to the missionary. They will also provide socks and hankerchiefs. Men's Wearhouse will donate three suits and three pair of matching slacks. Both companies are appreciative to the LDS church for their long customership and sales history.

Socialite and Las Vegas resident Britney Spears volunteered to go on a date with the new Elder, but he had to refuse. For the next two years, he is required to be at arms length from all females (which may still be too close not to catch diseases from this one). Mormon missionaries are forbidden to date. Britney was only slightly upset at the rejection, saying that she could have really shown him the sites and introduced him to a whole new world.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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