Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez prepared his nation for war against the United States today during a speech in Caracas. He warned his countrymen that people might die, but that destroying the enemy to the north must be their objective.
Chavez recently purchased tanks, fighter jets, and rifles from some of the former Russian republics. He failed, however, to purchase ammunition of fuel for any of these.
The President for Life also took out advertisements in newspapers in New York, Los Angeles, Dallas, Chicago, London, Jerusalem, Moscow, Tokyo, and Paris looking for "anyone who can fly a SU-30 Sukhoi fighter jet against Los Estados Unidos and earn many thousands of pesos and the love of millions."
When asked how he would fuel the jets and tanks, he said that "We have lots of oil."
When asked how he would get them to the United States without having any aircraft carriers, mid-air refuelers, or military bases between Venezuala and America, he said "There's lots of airports we can stop at. My pilots will all carry Chevron cards, so buying more gas won't be a problem."
When asked how his tanks would reach American soil, he said, "We'll ship them Federal Express. They guarantee overnight delivery."
When asked what ammunition the planes and tanks would use, he said, "We may have to pick something up at Wal-Mart or an army surplus store. They have everything."
When asked if there was a precident for what he was doing, he said "I read The Mouse That Roared and saw the movie. If Grand Fenwick can do it, so can I!"