Vatican City - Due to pending multi-million dollar lawsuits in the United States against the priests who sexually abused parishioners and the dioceses that protected them, Pope Benedict XVI announced that the Roman Catholic Church would break with two thousand years of tradition and canon law to become a Satanist institution.
Satanists have been known to ritually sexually abuse children since the 1980's and so under the First Ammendment the Catholic Church would be immune from future prosecutions regarding pederasty.
"The priests who betrayed their flocks are already agents of the Dark Lord, so the Church is merely going with the flow," read a statement issued through Osservatore Romano, the Vatican newspaper.
"From a Christian standpoint, becoming a Satanist is the definition of heresy. Under canon law Benedict has impeached himself as Supreme Pontiff, because heretics are not allowed to sit on the Throne of St. Peter," scoffed Father Joseph Gottlieb, SJ, a professor of religion at Boston College.
The Vatican got around that clause, ecclesiastical legal experts agreed, in the way the new Bull was issued. Pope Benedict issued it ex cathedra, which is the condition the popes have claimed infallibility under since the first Vatican Council in the nineteenth century.
With the new doctrine legally infallible, claims of heresy can be rejected easily.
Benedict's Press Release specified that the Satanic Bible of Anton Szandor LeVay will be the standard text of the new Church, supplemented by the writing of Aleister Crowley and other writers of the Hermetic/Occult tradition.
More information is said to be forthcoming.