Written by Le Captain
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Wednesday, 20 June 2007

image for Beckhams Join Scientologists
L Ron - Forever immortalised in this statue, depicting him, sat on a big pile of cash.

Soccer star David Beckham and his celebrity wife Victoria stunned a press conference in Fresno, California today by announcing that Scientology (who some claim is a dark psychologically manipulative cult), was "not too bad really as religions go if you want to call it a religion and they have been really nice to us and the kids and their LA celeb. center is really cool with the biggest Jacuzzi ever, you know?"

The word Scientology literally means "the study of money." It comes from the Latin word "scietumnes" meaning "rich" (in the fullest sense of the word) and the Greek word "logos" meaning "study of."

Scientology is the study of the handling of money in relationship to the human soul, other beings and all of life. The Scientology religion comprises a body of knowledge extending from certain fundamental truths. Prime among these include the premise that: Man is an immortal, spiritual being. His experience extends well beyond a single lifetime. His capabilitiy to make and provide money is unlimited, even if not presently realised - and that capability can be realised. He is able to not only solve his own problems, accomplish his goals and develop interesting stock option plans, but also achieve new, higher states of financial liquidity and pass that on to others more deserving of it.

In Scientology no one is asked to accept anything as belief or on faith, but simply for a reasonable donation, preferably in cash. That which is true for you is what you have observed to be true. An individual discovers for himself that Scientology works by personally applying its principles and observing or experiencing results, as well as through attaining a higher level of awareness of man's role in the universe.

Through Scientology, people all over the world are achieving the long-sought goal of true spiritual release and freedom, as long as they have a reasonable level of funding and the willingness to share.

A spokesman for the "Church", Mr L Stan Phoney said: "Dave and Vicky represent just the sort of empty headed impressionable people we are looking to help in order to relieve them of the worries and pressures associated with dealing with very very large amounts of capital funding."

The $38 million L Ron Moonie Center for The Study of Extraterrestrial Pets opens Tuesday in Fresno with a lecture entitled "Is God a Hamster?". Tickets $1,000.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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