Undisclosed Mountain, Colorado -- Service records of President George W. Bush released here today indicate that his infamous mystery-missing-year (1972-73), was spent in covert service for the Alabama Air National Guard -- And in-fact helped end Alabama'Nam, one of America's least liked and least-bloody homeland conflicts.
"He was there all right, in the teeth of it, you can thank him for winning that war too. He was very good at what he had to do," echoed the President's new team of public relations managers, Jon Lovitz and Joe Isuzu.
"Don't forget," said, Lovitz, "the Cong had submarines too. What was to stop them from drifting up the Alabama River, or the Chattahoochee, and taking a potshot at Birmingham or Tuscaloosa?"
The White House said in a statement that the President single-handily facilitated an end to the Viet Nam Conflict in less than one year as a result of his undercover activities in Alabama. And even though he never showed up to drill with his National Guard unit, the President's war record is secure, ending years of speculation from his critics, and certainly giving him a big boost towards getting himself re-elected.
"Yeah, my nose has been growing for quite some time now," President Bush admitted. "I'm relived to finally get it off my chest, you know, come clean about it," said the President in an exclusive one-hour interview with BBS.
"Because basically you see, I'm an honest man, I'm a man who prefers to tell the truth, for goodness sakes, I'm a Methodist, but this was a secret."
"Bush has been holding back these records, for just the right minute in this campaign," said Political pundit George Will. "He was clever in this one. Everyone thought they were going to discover a a smoking gun in these records -- they never would have dreamed they would end up with a 'Top Gun,' it's just too ironic for politics."
The documents indicate that the President was in fact deployed on secret clandestine flyover missions dubbed, "Operation Alabama Riverwatch (OAR)," encompassing the entire state and all the rivers, ponds, sloughs and streams of Alabama.
The missions were strictly volunteer single-man operations. The records also show that the President was based and flew his sorties from Maxwell Air Force Base, in Montgomery, Alabama.
There's no telling how long the conflict would have gone on, if George wasn't there for us," said Retired Base Commander Brigadier General Bubba Balderdash. "His mission was secret, that's why we kept it that way right up to now -- today we can tell the story. He was at the front -- he fought the battle of Alabama'Nam."
"As you know Alabama is a pretty square state for the most part," Gen. Balderdash explained. "So initially the President would need to suit-up, get into his airplane, and fly up and be up there in the NE corner of the state, where he would be required make a left turn on his airplane, and fly to the NW corner of the state, where it would be mandatory to negotiate another left and then to fly down to the SW corner of the state and make a tricky left towards the SE corner of the state again -- all the time with a eye on the rivers, all the time stalking out the enemy."
"This was not the type of thing you could let the country know about at that time, and that's why it was kept it a secret for so long," explained spokesman Lovitz. "The people and the rivers of Alabama had a right and deserved to be safe. One might say this was the birth of the President's dream of Homeland Security, some thirty years ago."
"He was very proactive, and he learned something about his country during that time too," said spokesman Joe Isuzu. "Imagine his early surprise when he discovered that the Tennessee River is actually in Alabama!"
The confidential documents were previously stored in this Colorado mountain secret information base. Government sources say this is not unusual and that in fact all the military records of the Bush family have been stored there ever since George Bush Sr. headed up the CIA, and started buying Cigarette boats from drug runners. Sons, brothers and uncles of Presidents, and all their secret documents are stored there as well.
Pointed out Isuzu on the Viet Nam war issue, "Nobody ever asks, 'where was Billy Carter in 1975 and who was guarding Georgia?"