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Tuesday, 3 February 2004

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The Grumpy Bachelor

The whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, the most hunted man in this century or the last, are still unknown. A recent tape of bin laden is believed to be a fake or to have been put together from older tapes. The mystery of where in the world is Osama bin Laden has seemed no closer to being solved. Until now ... perhaps.

A document has come into the possession of yours truly that might shed some light on the question. The document may be as phoney as the above mentioned tape. That is always a posibility in this column. I leave that decesion to you, my trusty readers and I present for your perusal:

The Diary of Osama bin Laden

Feb. 23: The new cave is not what I had hoped for. When the rental agent said it was "one up" he neglected to mention it was 500 feet up the side of a cliff. Or that the running water he referred to was running in the river at the bottom of the cliff. Hassim is hanging curtains. There are no windows in the cave but I humor him. He has not been the same since he fell off the camel last month. Akmed claims it was due to his (Hassim's) landing on the seat of his burnoose.

Feb. 26: I have been very busy with making plans, dear diary, and have been neglecting you. Akmed has the curtains up and I must admit it does help a little. It takes a heap of living to make a cave a home, if I may coin a phrase. And this place IS a heap.
I have been working with the inner circle to make more plans for disrupting the West. This is not easy since all that is left of the inner circle is my own esteemed self, Hassim, Akmed, 2 goats and a chicken. The chicken is a recent addition. She came to the cave entrance the other and said she was looking for work since she had recently lost her job in a place called Oh High Oh. At the very least it will be nice to have some one intelligent to talk to.

Mar. 2: We had another visitor today. A woman came to the cave entrance. She said her name was Mary something or other and odffered to give everyone in the cavehold something called a "makeover." Just then Hassim came up behind me to see who was at the door. Mary Whatever Her Name Was took one look at Hassim, screamed, fell over backwards and rolled down the cliff. I am not sure but I believe this is because Hassim has not shaved or practiced any sort of personal hygiene for the last several months. even the goats and camel will not go near hm anymore. But for this one time I am thankful.

Mar. 4: Today's planning session of the inner circle did not go well. Hassim informed us he had forgotten to bring the radioactive materials for the "dirty bomb" we planned to build. Akmed told Hassim not to worry. since he (Hassim) had been neglecting his personal hygiene for so long that we could use HIM in the dirty bomb and that it would probably cause more damage than the radioactive materials. When all the scratching, biting and hair-pulling was over I sent Akmed and Hassim to opposite corners of the cave without their supper.

Mar. 5: We were having another strategy session when my cellphone rang. It was Mother. I asked her how she had gotten my number. She said she gotten it off the Internet. Right then and there I put a curse on the unholy Internet that would send thousands of unsolicited emails to all the profane users in the west.
I asked her what she wanted and to make it brief because I was in a meeting. She said it was briefs that she called about. She wanted to make sure I had clean underwear in case I was hit by a smart bomb while crossing the desert. She asked about akemd and Hassim, if they had any. I held the phone up to Hassim and heard a scream. When I put the phone back to my ear the line was dead. Hassim is becoming more and more valuable to the cause.

Mar. 6: we finally got around to unpacking the boxes we brought with us. I found out that Akmed had forgotten to pack the camcorder, the video tape player, the microwave oven and the Cuisenart. I gave Akmed quite a scolding. I asked him how we we were ever going to overthrow the decadant satanic western civilisation with it's relieance on its godless science and technology if we did not have the proper tools. I sent him out to find the nearest Radio Shack to replace these items. This latest incident put me in a very bad mood, dear diary. Now I will not be able to watch my Britany Spears video until Akmed comes back.

Mar. 8: Dear Diary. Today I woke up to find that Hassim had wandered off into the desert with the camel and the goats. the chicken had made a nest out of our latest carefully planned strike and that Akmed was not back from Radio Shack yet. I am at my wit's end. I think I will climb down the mountain and see if Mary What'e Her Name is still down there and if the makeover offer is still good. My plan is to get the makeover, buy a suit and head for America. I have heard that anyone in America can have a radio talk show. I have been able to pick up American radio shows off the satellite and have listened to radio shows by Dr. Laura, Rush Limbaugh and some one called Springer so I know that is true. If I cannot achieve my ends from the outside I will do it from the inside.

TO BE CONTINUED

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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