Written by Naboo the Enigma
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Tuesday, 5 June 2007

image for Tinned fish giants produces Tuna-friendly dolphin
This dolphin was lured into SeaWorld by an attractive brunette before being slaughtered and tinned

Tinned fish giants have today announced their intention to start producing a range of tinned dolphin products which will all carry the label 'tuna friendly'.

Director, John West, spoke of his decision to reverse the company's fishing tactics in the wake of changing attitudes and tastes. '20 years ago everyone wanted tuna, people couldn't get enough of it even though they were only able to buy whole tunas fresh off the Atlantic trawlers for around £500 a pop. Once we started tinning it suddenly everyone wanted a piece of the action and we couldn't catch and tin it quick enough.'

Unfortunately the nets used to catch the tuna also caught dolphins, and, due to the popularisation of the dolphin through TV shows such as 'Flipper' and 'Whacko Jacko the Happy Dolphin', the idea of killing dolphins became unpopular, so it soon became the standard to see the 'dolphin-friendly' label slapped across everything from tinned food to fresh fruit to birth control pills.

But times change and so does public opinion. Today's aquatic hero is tomorrows sandwich filling, as West points out 'Now people are beginning to realise that dolphins are not the cuddly, cutesy, sensitive creatures we once thought, but are actually extremely aggressive and dangerous animals which thrive on intimidation and regularly victimise other fish to the point of extinction. Oh and they taste damn good too.'

Will Self from 'Save the Tuna' describes dolphins as the 'finned fascists of the sea' and says that many reported shark attacks are actually the work of dolphins who've been specially trained to imitate sharks. Stephen Spielberg had allegedly planned to base his 1975 fishy thriller 'Jaws' around the true story of a killer dolphin who terrorised the East coast of America during the 1950's but was worried that the film might be 'too damn scary' so toned it down, using a Great White instead.

Now people are getting a taste for dolphin (described by a popular food critic as 'wet chicken') and companies are spearheading the trend with their tuna-friendly dolphin.

'It's was easy for us to convert our fishing fleet' says West, 'because dolphins are bigger than tuna so they get caught in the nets but the tuna escape' much to the delight of Will Self who gets the final word 'Tuna's are one of the most intelligent and beautiful species on this planet, and they need protecting, not eating'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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