WASHINGTON - In a heartfelt and tearful press conference, President Bush finally admitted to the whole world his 10-year dependency on aspirin and Alka-Seltzer, which according to him greatly impaired his judgement in launching the war on Iraq.
"I apologize to the whole world for being a snotty little bastard. And to you, Saddam: for killing your sons, for tearing down your nation and killing thousands of your men, please forgive me," a teary-eyed Bush declared, with wife Laura by his side.
At the height of the Iraqi war, President Bush was swallowing up to 100 pills of aspirin and Alka-Seltzer every hour. He also allegedly would crush several aspirin tablets into fine powder and snort them up his nose just like cocaine.
"It gave me a feeling of absolute ecstacy. No one knew about it. I couldn't take it anymore, the guilt, the shame. I was wrecking everything around me without a care in the world. And the more things went my way, the more dope I would snort," Mr. Bush admitted. "I became an aspirin fiend."
Bush has entered the 12-step based Narcotics Anonymous program, where he will remain anonymous. "I need to get rid of this habit, fast," the President said, with a determined look in his eyes.