Hugo Chavez says he has had enough of American television shenanigans. The unstable Venezuelan leader recently moved against RCTV after Melinda Doolittle was voted off American Idol.
"What in the hell were you people thinking keeping "Beat-Box-Boy" and "Baby Huey" while dumping an overwhelmingly talented Doolittle?" he screamed into the microphone, pounding a podium with his fist for emphasis. "If he was in my country, I would have Blake Lewis shot for making those annoying sounds,'" he growled menacingly, veins popping from his forehead. "And don't get me started about that Sanjaya! How did he get as far as he did?"
As Chavez's podium collapsed from the furious pounding and weight of his...uh...argument, he paused his tirade briefly while another podium was brought in.
According to several undisclosed sources, the country's television network crisis was further exacerbated by the season finales of LOST and Desperate Housewives. "He was beside himself with that LOST finale," said one anonymous official.
"What in the hell was THAT…a flash forward, a flashback or a freaking flash sideways? Now I'm more confused than I was in the first place. Damn those Yankee producers!" the enigmatic leader, affectionately known as "Castro's Gordito", is reported to have screamed at the television while firing his pistol into the air.
"Wednesday nights have not been the best evenings of entertainment for Chavez recently," said one former producer for the now defunct RCTV. Chavez is also reported to be threatening the last remaining broadcast network after the finale of Desperate Housewives. The Globovision general manager issued a statement which read in part," Mr. Chavez is considerably disturbed by the newest revelation that Orson the dentist is an innocent man. God help us all."
Chavez is particularly fond of including pop culture figures in his propaganda against the United States. He has previously used a poster with Orson's face superimposed over Uncle Sam and the caption, "Uncle Orson Wants to Kill You!" Once posted all over Caracas, the Uncle Sam caricature can no longer be found in the capital city. But, Chavez has plans to use the face of the LOST character affectionately known by fans as "Patchy" in his newest army "Army Tough" recruitment poster.
After an incident with a sonic fence not to mention a spear gun to the chest, it does raise the question of what it takes to kill that son-of-a-bitch. But, the irony of using of a Russian character in an army recruitment poster is not "lost' on Globovision. To address the Cold War reference, Globovision digs deep to employ an even older pop culture figure...Frosty the Snowman. They've replaced their nightly test pattern with the caricature of Frosty in a beret stabbing Knut the baby polar bear in the back with an icicle. Placing the word "Democracy" under Knut, the caption says: "Damn, that's Cold!"