CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Roswell - Aliens landed today and offered Earth a 3.5 Googalhertz microprocessors in exchange for a portion of the U.S. known as Roswell, NM.
This was the first of many proposed land deals to be accepted by President George W. Bush. In addition, Bush appointed the alien captain Head of Alien Affairs in return for the street level spy technology now used by Google on Google Maps.
President Bush intends to use the "street view" technology to keep track of everyone on the planet once his New World Order is established. As a token gesture, the alien, Mr. Figworts Plethoranus, was inducted into the Corrupt Bastards Club.
The Corrupt Bastards asked the alien to hold off on any energy saving technology until the Earth ran out of oil so that the members could maximize their profit, to which Mr. Plethoranus agreed, since his species is resistant to hydrocarbon emissions. Ex-CEO Lord Browne of the VECO Corporation, of BP's Texas City oil refinery disaster fame, said that he would give the alien one of his yachts if he would abduct the reporters at TheSpoof.com.
President Bush also invited the alien to his Crawford Ranch to play golf with him and Osama Bin Laden. President Bush first made sure that Plethoranus would promise not to reveal the location of Bin Laden to the public since Bin Laden has been staying on the ranch since 9/11/2001. Mr. Plethoranus agreed on the condition that President Bush would give him Florida.
"Heh, heh... Thank ya' there mi amigo, Señor Figgy. I got rid of our problems with the Cubans. Just wait 'till they git a load of these fellers."