DEATH STAR (Galactic Press) -- What he first identified as a "disturbance in the Force" turned out to be nothing but gas, a sheepish Darth Vader admitted yesterday afternoon.
The Dark Lord of the Sith's initial pronouncement that he had detected a disturbance in the Force set the Death Star's security apparatus into full alert. A contingent of Storm Trooper elite guards secured the Death Star's command section and set up a defensive perimeter, while security personnel searched the shipping & receiving deck for intruders.
Tensions were briefly elevated when patrolling TIE fighters detected unauthorized craft within their patrol zone, but it turned out to be space debris. A minor prison uprising was also put down during the alert period.
By the time the search for intruders had been concluded, the Dark Lord was in full flatulence mode, serving up foul farts fueled by the dark side of the Force. Vader soon had to retire to his private life support pod, doubled over with stomach cramps. "Must have been that Bantha burrito I had last night," he reported. "I should have gone easy on the Mustufar Lava Pool five-alarm hot sauce."
"Sorry for the false alarm, everyone," he added meekly.
When asked if a reprimand would be issued, station commander Grand Moff Tarkin replied: "This is the third time he's cried wolf this month. I'm starting to think our Dark Lord can't tell the Force from a fart. And sshweeeeew, do his farts ever stink! Too bad that fancy life support suit he wears can't keep the lid on his thermal exhaust port, know what I'm sayin'? Bantha don't smell too good to begin with, but the second time around??!? Gawd."