A pessimistic report on global warming reveals that the entire planet Earth will burn to a cinder in less than 2 years, according to Ralph Stetson, Chairman of the film department at Collins College in Tempe, AZ.
"Even if we stop all emissions right now the world is going to end", Stetson said. "Nothing can be done. Latest estimates suggest the Earth will be destroyed by the end of November, 2008. If we stop all greenhouse gas emissions and halt all human activity right now we might be able to extend it another three of four months".
Some environmental scientists were skeptical of Stetson's claims. "Bullshit! What the fuck does he know? He's not even a fucking scientist!", said Dr. Andrew Speigelman of Harvard University in Cambridge, MA. "The world will be around for a long time. Tell him to smoke a dube and chill out".
Stetson claims that computer data reveal that the polar ice caps are melting at a blinding speed and the Earth's protective ozone layer will soon be nonexistent. This will soon cause massive flooding followed by massive evaporation of the atmosphere. Ultimately the Earth will ne no more hospitable to life than the planet Venus.
"This is just what happened to Venus", Stetson stated. "About a billion years ago the Venusians did the same thing to their planet that we are doing to ours. Scientists have been keeping hush on this to avoid creating mass panic. We have destroyed the world. All is lost".
Reporters have so far been unable to locate any scientists to verify Stetson's remarkable claim.