PASADENA (AP Newsliar) -- Scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) offered startling new evidence today that mankind's out-of-control CO2 production has already devastated the fragile ecology of Mars.
Pictures returned from the new Autonomous Laboratory And Rover for Mars In-Situ Teleoperation (ALARMIST) reveal the widespread havoc that has been wrought on Mars by human activity here on Earth. The rover's main camera shows nothing but dry, orange-red sand dunes, compelling evidence that the planet has become a hot, barren wasteland.
"It would be naive in the extreme to assume that anthropocentric global warming is limited to Earth," says Dr. Iyam Fuktindahed, principal investigator for the ALARMIST mission. "Everybody knows human activity is the cause of global warming; there is no more debate, the science has provided consensus on that. But now we know it's more widespread than previously thought."
This latest evidence comes after several years of remote sensing records indicate that the polar ice caps on Mars have been slowly receding. These ice caps are formed by frozen atmosphere, which melts off every summer and returns in the winter; but the extent of the ice caps' winter return has been diminishing over time.
When asked about the possibility that increased solar output could account for the warming on Mars, Dr. Fuktindahed responded: "You've been listening to those global warming deniers again. They're all a bunch of big poopy heads, and they also like to kill baby kittens."
"All of those global warming deniers are in the pockets of the big oil companies," he adds. "Now if you'll please excuse me, I have some grant renewal requests to write."