PARIS, FRANCE-The French government is reporting today that the earlier retired Concorde jet airliner has been secretly transformed into a military submarine capable of cruising faster than the speed of sound under water.
Previous reports that it had been retired due to financial loss was a complete fabrication. That was a smoke screen intended to divert attention away from the real reason that the Concorde was taken out of commission-military conversion.
"We really pulled a fast one on the world," announced the giddy French President Jacques Chirac. "America was fooled with this one. Nana nana, boo boo." U.S. officials claim they were aware of the project all along, and, in fact, were secretly placing bets with other world leaders as to what the first major catastrophic accident would be.
Cuban dictator Fidel Castro won the bet. "Sure, we've skewered a few hump-backs and belugas," said the French naval commander Pepe Longstocking, "but puncturing that giant octopus was disastrous. There was ink everywhere."
Environmentalists are said to be planning a march to, around, and up the Eiffel Tower to raise awareness of the dangers-and to get some really nice photographs.
Another "glitch" needing to be worked out with the smaller prototype, named the "Le Napoleon," is that it leaves a trail of boiling water and steam which makes it easy to track on the surface.
Also, sonic booms tend to throw the sub into a rolling tumble. Naval commander Longstocking downplayed the weakness, "We will devour this tiny weakness like a fresh hot-baked croissant dipped in escargot sauce." he then kissed his finger with a, "Mmmwa!"
He also claimed that a well-timed sonic boom under a U.S. ship could make it rock to and fro more than usual thus causing sailors to spill their drinks. Will those French jerks stop at nothing?!!!
It is also now known that Chirac, emboldened with his new naval might, has demanded that the President Bush sell back to him, at the original price, the land previously purchased by the U.S. from France known as the Louisiana Purchase.
If this demand is not met, then the Le Napoleon will be ordered to the Gulf of Mexico where it will cruise in underwater circles at supersonic speed thus, theoretically, causing a torrent of hurricanes which will cause destruction the likes of which has not been seen since last French military onslaught.
President Bush is said to have scoffed at the threat dismissing it as a Franco ruse designed to instill national pride. "That dog won't hunt," said Bush. "In fact, it's lap dog. You know, the kind that wears a sweater in the winter. It's that kind of dog."
Democratic Presidential hopeful John Kerry said that if elected he would sell the land back to France to help mend international relations. "Besides, they're just fly-over states anyway."